I was perusing the Gun Permit Application for my county (’cause that’s how I roll) and it occurred to me that just checking “Yes” or “No” is kinda dull. Here’s how I would answer the questions (if I were truly crazy and wanted the sheriff to haul my freckled ass to the loony bin, that is)

As always, the original questions are in boldface type and I have preserved all grammar errors found in the original.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony in any state or federal court?

Let’s just say I’m no longer welcomed in Idaho.

Have you ever been adjudicated as incompetent or committed to any mental institution?

Why, what have you heard? I swear, the rabbit is lying! I wasn’t any where near Farmer Brown’s place at the time and besides, I’m allergic to chrysanthemums!

Are you currently under indictment for any felony?

Not on Earth.

Are you a user of, or addicted to marijuana, depressants, stimulants, narcotic drugs, or any other controlled substance?

I am currently high on life.

And Kool-Aid.

Made with moonshine and liquid cocaine.

 Are you an illegal alien?

Are my antennae showing again? Dammit, I thought this wig was supposed to be full coverage!

Have you been discharged from the military with other than honorable conditions?

If the military regime I created no longer exists, would I be considered discharged?

Are you a US citizen? (If not, name country of citizenship.)

I’m one of those, what do you call them? Canadarians? Crustashians? Canalians? Those guys. That’s me. I swear.

Have you renounced your US citizenship?

We only dated for a little while, so I’d like to think we’re still friends.

Are you subject to a court order that was issued after a hearing in which you have recieved notice and have had an opportunity to participate, not to possess a firearm?

My lawyer advised me not to speak of it.

Are you subject to a court order, by any court, from harassing, stalking, or threatening an intimate partner or child of an intimate partner, or engaged in other conduct that would place an intimate partner in reasonable fear of bodily injury to the child or the partner and which finds that you represent a credible threat to the physical safety of the intimate partner or child that would reasonably be expected to cause bodily injury?

I’m under sanctions by the Boy Scouts Honor Court, but I was framed. Those balloons filled with toothpaste and mace could have come from anywhere.

Have you been convicted of a domestic violence offense?

So far I have managed to keep my offensive violence strictly foreign.

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