Power bands.

The freaking things are everywhere.

Famous athletes, those who wish to be famous athletes, those who watched a famous athlete on TV once; it seems like a lot of people are wearing the things.

But they don’t work. AT ALL.

Because it’s a shiny sticker and a rubber band. You cannot affect someone’s athletic performance with a shiny sticker and a rubber band unless you duck-tape them over the athlete’s eyes, and even then you are negatively affecting it instead of positively affecting it.

According to the True Believers, this magic sticker somehow affects your body’s something-or-other field, and gives you greater endurance and stamina and you can shoot lasers out of your eyes and shit bricks of  platinum. I don’t know, I tend to stop listening to bullshit after a while.

While it’s well documented that the magic stickers are worthless (Unless you are buying them from the Power Balance folks, who charge $100 for ten of the little moneymakers. Whores don’t have that kind of profit margin) in the interest of  furthering pseudoscience and not having to come up with another blog topic, I have decided to have my own little test. Since I’m not going to waste $30 of  my  brandy-money on silicone and shiny stickers, I came up with an alternative;

A gum wrapper and a rubber band. I am a genius.

Uncanny, isnt it?

The band in use. It looks just like the original.

Hour 1 – I feel normal, no sign of wing-budding yet but I am optimistic.

Hour 2 – Some tingling in the extremities, a feeling of profound cold over the rest of my body. I decide to get out of the freezer and see if I can remember where I put my clothes.

Hours 3 – 5 – I am one with the universe. I can feel the heartbeat of every blade of grass and see the colors of the moonlight. I will frolic with the children of the west wind and they shall fear me.

Hours 6-10 – Dammit, they are on to me! It was that rat-bastard Pedro, he sold  me out to the Walrus King. I told the apple, you can never trust a kumquat! I find that little raisin and he’ll be prune juice. Pickled kumquat spinach juice! Hey, you ever notice how weird a word looks when you write it over and over again?  Like apple. Apple. Aye pee pee ell eee. Apple. it’s just odd, that’s all.


Hours 21-24 – I am the very model of a modern major mineral, not vegetarian organ-grinder something something, something-something  … PICKLES! Beep the pickles, but slowly. Slowly! :MANICAL LAUGHTER:

:24 hours later:


That was probably a bad idea.

To whomever owned the lavender Audi, I’m sorry about the thing with the pickle relish and the fire extinguisher.