I have mentioned fanfiction before, way back in the mists of time (about two months ago, I think) but today I would like to single out one particular story for ridicule.

Forbiden Fruit: the tempation of Edward Cullen

That’s not a typo, that’s the actual title of the “story”. It is, without a doubt, one of the worse pieces of literature I have ever read. It even has it’s own drinking game. In the continuing quest to provide quality reading material (or a reasonable facsimile) I am going to attempt to translate this tale from Asshatese into real words. I’m not going to translate word for word, because I value what’s left of my sanity, but just a brief synopsis.

Don’t tell me I don’t suffer for my blog.

Chapter 1 –  Atlantiana

Chapter 1 is preceded by a short Author’s Note, in which we are introduced to beckymac666, the “author” of this work, who claims to be young and dyslexic, neither one an excuse for the travesty that follows. She also gives a shout-out to her boyfriend Zac and her “besfreind” Tiffi, ending with the words “EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!)” There is a single-sentence update under the original Author’s Note;

“I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.”

Yeah … Good luck with that.

In Chapter 1 we are introduced to “Atlantiana Rebekah Loren” (“Or Tiana or Tiaa”, she can’t seem to make up her mind what the holy hell her name is, it changes constantly) The first few paragraphs ramble on about how beautiful and stunning and all around fabulous this girl is, while “complaining” about how skinny she is, how big her boom-booms are, and how terrible is that all the boys find her attractive, even thought she doesn’t care what she looks like. (Which she proves by constantly referring to how beautiful she is during the entire story.) Atlanta-Tropicana- Muffin-Brain is a textbook Mary Sue. She could not be any more of a Mary Sue unless her name was Mary Sue, but it would probably be something like “Merianitriaaliae Suziella, or Meri Su or Merriszie”, or some other nonsense.

Any-hoo, as the far-too-detailed personal information peters out, the “story” begins with our Mary Sue, who has just moved to Forks, WA to live with new foster parents and attend the local nameless high school. She is, predictably, dressed like a dollar store hooker in leather pants and red fishnet top with a visible black bra underneath, and complains about the “horny little donkeys” that are hassling her for her number (and one assumes her rates for a hum job behind the cafeteria dumpster, but that’s not mentioned.)

Having read a couple of chapters, every single one of this girl’s outfits seem to have come from Lady Gaga’s Junior Slutwear Collection.

After a single paragraph about school, mostly about how much she hates the “cheerleader imbosils”, we are suddenly treated to more personal information, this time in the form of tattoos (on a sixteen year old girl), ear piercings, and odd birthmark-scars. It is also inferred that she has a big dark secret, mostly because she says

“I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand.”

This secret mostly seems to be that she hears voices and sees faces in her sleep that she can’t when she’s awake, and occasionally thinks the birthmark-scar on her hand glows. (It could be that she’s a schizophrenic, or it could just be normal emo shit)

After a bit more about how awesome she is, Mary Sue goes to lunch, where she sees;

“an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him.”

Yeah, I’m all a-twitter.

Mr. Hawt Dude has a girlfriend, who sits with her arms “dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant” so  Mary Agatha- Terabithia decides he’s off-limits. Since she has done nothing but insult the boys who follow her around like puppies, you would not think this was very interesting. And it’s not. She decides to go off and “smoke some bald drugs in the locker room” (I guess she really doesn’t like her hair) and of course runs into Mr. Hawt Pale Dude as soon as she leaves the locker room.

“WTF!” I screamed loudly, “watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!” (i have anger problems)

“I’m so so sorry” he said in a voice like wet heaven “please forgive me my lady”

And that’s the end of chapter one, 90% of it is spent describing Mary Sue and about five percent is whining about the “biatchy” people around her. A touch of something that might eventually be a plot is stuffed in there as well.

 

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