On to Chapter 2!

Chapter 2 –  Edward

Mylanta apologizes for yelling at Mr. Hawt Pale Dude, who introduces himself as “Ewdard Cullen”, and she finds him  attractive enough that she doesn’t want to pound him in the nuts with a ball peen hammer like every other male she has mentioned, so they make out  before she remembers he already has a girlfriend. She protests, so he rips her shirt off and they continue making out.

“He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs.”

I’ll give you a second to recover from “man-carrot.”

Mary Sue starts feeling bad that she is such a “biatch” and a slut, so she once more tries to end the make-out session. Ewdard protests, claiming he knows her dark and forbidden secret.

“”Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa”he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes “your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

“what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)

“thy a CAMPIRE tia! a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN’T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!””

The faux Olde English shows up whenever Ewdard speaks, he also tends to do a lot more screaming in ALL CAPS and whining then I remember from the books.

He punches the wall, she knees him in his “massive throbbing gigglestick”, he tears his shirt off, so that they are both now shirtless, and throws his shirt over her head. He manages to simultaneously pick her up off the floor and lay down on the floor, whining as she manages to watch him through the shirt she never removed. She leaves him there and goes to class, shirtless, wearing a guy’s shirt like a hat. Once she reaches class, she has a pain in her hand and the birthmark-scar glows. She falls down and a boy  tries to help her up. She reacts to this gesture of concern by kicking him in the shoulder and he gazes longingly after her. No mention is made of her being shirtless or wearing a shirt on her head. Tijuana wants to forgive Ewdard for calling her a vampire (or campire) and trying to plunder her “crevises” , but she can’t. I’m not really sure why she would want to, but I didn’t write this garbage.

Stay tuned for Chapter 3! Once I make a run to the liquor store.

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