Chapter 5 – The Talent Contest

Dear gods, why have you forsaken me? Is it too much to ask for a nice little aneurism so I don’t have to read the rest of this shit?


I guess I should get to the story, such as it is.

It’s a week after Abbycrabby tore her clothes off and begged Ewdard to “sex” with her and he ran off shrieking like he had just seen a really disgusting bug crawl over his foot.

The Chearleaders have been making fun of how skinny and large-breasted Abracadabra is, while Creepy Uncle Larry has somehow managed to “rapped [her] loads of times” even though the foster parents are now back from wherever it was they went. She ignores Ewdard, (actually she “anchored” him, but I’m assuming the author meant ignore. I would find it more interesting if Appledapple dropped heavy weights on Ewdard, but that’s just me) angry at him for being a cheating bastard who rejected her attempts to make him cheat on his girlfriend (and because he still makes her feel all tingly inside), and hangs out with the Smiling Goths, once again briefly mentioning suicidal thoughts in passing. (If only…)

It turns out there is a Talent Contest being held that night and the Smiling Goths are trying to get Apollodoria to enter, because she is a terrific singer who has the voice of an angel (Of course she does.) But she is far too modest (:snerk: ) to get up in front of everyone and sing, since she really doesn’t think she’s that good. (:double snerk: ) The Smiling Goths quickly assure her that she is and try to get her to sign up.

“I dunno maybe” I plimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.

(“Plimpled”? You plimpled mutely?!? “Mutely” means “silently”, you brain-dead moron! You can’t mutely say anything! And “plimpled” … Really? How …  What … I don’t even … GAAAHHH! :headdesk: )

The Smiling Goths and Amazarina go to the talent contest, where The Chearleaders preformed their little dance number, which “werent that awesome”, but since they were “wearing slutty cloths” and were popular, “no one was allowed to say they sucked.” (I now want to go to the fabric store and ask where they keep the slutty cloth. I bet all the fabric I have at home could use a little action.)

 Bella, the plant-armed brown hare girl, runs off of stage after the dance number and kisses Ewdard passionately;  he returns the kiss while staring intently at Abalone (This is somehow even creepier than the multiple rape references) and she feels the “flames of jelusy burning up inside me.” (I think they make a suppository for that now.)

The principal then “caked up on stage” (Yeah… I have no idea what that means.) and calls Tapioca’s name. She screams at the Smiling Goths for entering her, but goes up on stage anyway  and sings “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, but the “punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0”. It is to be presumed by the reader that this is an a cappella punk rock version, since no mention is made of any musicians or musical accompaniment. She is embarrassed at first, but since everyone is enjoying her lovely voice, she begins to sing louder and louder; since no microphone is mentioned this is probably so the people in the back rows can enjoy her gift of heavenly song. The author pauses in the middle to describe yet another bra-bearing outfit with fishnet accessories. I know there’s a lot of fishing in the Pacific Northwest, but damn.

At the end of the song, “everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my freinds” so I guess that will show them not to try to share her wonderous gifts with the world.

 Of course Tacoma wins the talent contest and goes back up on stage to “shock” the principal’s hand. Most of the students applaud; with the exception of The Chearleaders, who storm out like angry toddlers. While standing on stage, Anchovy notices that Ewdard has a massive erection and looks very “hawt and sexoy”.

As she is walking home, Ewdard pulls his car up beside her and offers her a ride. (And possibly some free candy.) He tells her she was stunning, with a voice “like silk and satin in the moonlight”, and that he had wanted to charge on to the stage and kiss her on the lips during her performance. She asks him where Bella is, and he tells her that she is pouting at home because she was not as good in the talent contest as the flawless Mary Sue.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road (suddenly) and touches her face. Naturally she slaps him as hard as she can and calls him a sicko. She continues to hit him while calling him names and telling him how embarrassed she was because she had begged him to “sex” with her and he had refused. (He had actually run away screaming, but “refused” sounds more dignified.)

  Taffyduck gives the standard “its me or her” ultimatum, but Ewdard can’t make the decision. He then suddenly wants to know about her family.

“first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!” he said “who were thy parents?what are thee?”

“my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it.” i said

“we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me”

-omfg i’m NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit”

“you don’t drink human blood”- he asked

She is understandably confused, as I have been at many points during this story, and repeats that she does not drink blood. She gets out of the car feeling insulted and runs away home, where she cuts herself and cries. She does not react in any way to Mr. Hawt Pale Sexoy Dude telling her he is a vampire and drinks blood.

I believe this chapter was the author’s attempt at building emotional tension, but it really doesn’t work. So what if Ewdard wants Tiburon, but is promised to Bella and Bella apparently despises Appledumpling, while Torquemada has a serious case of the hots for Ewdard and also hates Bella, who is not as hawt or as awesome as she is (even though she doesn’t care about that sort of thing.) That damned Mary Sue makes any attempt to set up some conflict impossible, since she is the bestest girl in the whole wide world and will of course win in the end and crush all her enemies into a fine slutty-clothed dust. Throwing in some random vampire stuff at the last minute just seems a bit desperate, and Mary Sue has absolutely no reaction to the guy she love-hates telling her that he’s a blood-sucking vampire. This thing is just keeps getting progressively weirder and weirder.