I am determined to finish this thing! Only three more chapters  to go.

:grits teeth, girds loins:

Let’s do it!

Chapter 6 – the curse

Oh, wonderful… There’s  a poem about Ewdard.

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white

Your eyes like amber out of sight

Pale angel in my eyes

Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

Excuse me –

:leaves to be violently sick:

Okay-dokey, let’s get through this bucket of manure.

So we begin with a “poem” about Ewdard that Tangerine has written, she is reading it out loud and quietly (a neat trick if you can manage it) when she blacks out and goes into a trance at the same time. It’s Daddy Glowworm again, appearing in front of her “all ghosty and misty like he was only half there.” He moans a few times and then tells her he is her father, Caius of the Volturi, (Lord Vader he is not) and she must be cautious of the vampire boy Ewdard. She asks him why, rather than screaming in terror at the sight of the ghostly apparition like a normal kid would.

“you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you…you’ll become a VAMPIRE! And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them…” then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

Uncle Larry comes in, calls her a “moldy slut”, and tells her to take her clothes off. She refuses and so he hits her, takes off her clothes, and chains her to the bed with the chains he just happened to have with him. At that moment someone comes running into the room and bashes Uncle Larry over the head with a stick. It is, of course, Ewdard. (All vampires carry sticks around specifically to bash rapists over the head and intimidate woodland gnomes, didn’t you know that?)

“omg my sweet lady” he cried! “what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?”

(You’re not the sharpest thorn in the shrubbery, are you?  She’s chained naked to a bed; what do you think he was doing – playing Parcheesi with her?)

He unchains her and turns his back to her while she gets dressed so that he isn’t “perving” on her, during this he happens to read her poem and proclaims it to be the most beautiful and moving thing he has ever read and despairs that he cannot write equally moving poetry for her since he is promised to Bella.

Abercrombie asks him why he is promised to Bella, he says that she was once sweet and shy but has become much more bitchy lately, as have her friends, but he made a promise to her and he can’t break it because it would be “rude and ungentalmanly”, even if she is a bitch now.

They leave the house and walk around the woods, talking about “stuff”.  Tommiknockers suggests that Bella might be more of a bitch now because she doesn’t love Ewdard anymore and he should break up with her.( Quite the relationship expert, that girl.) he says that he can’t because Bella told him she would kill herself. He then punches a tree in frustration, since he loves Tigerlily now and not Bella, and it breaks in half. She asks if he loves her and notices that his man-carrot is fresh from the crisper.

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. We couldn’t controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

“I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!” he screamed “i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!” and he ran away.

He runs away a lot after seeing Arugula naked. Good thing her self esteem is already so low, that’s the sort of thing that could make a girl worry.

(I feel I should point out that they are still in the woods; he  punched a tree in half not two sentences before the happy-fun-naked-time started.)

She is laying there, in the dirt and leaves with bugs crawling who-knows-where, watching her new lover’s naked ass grow steadily smaller. And at that point she remembers what Daddy Glowworm told her about “making sex” with Ewdard. So she turns instantly into a vampire, her skin going all hard and shiny, her eyesight becoming clearer, and her hearing growing more acute. As the newly-turned vampire lays there naked in the dirt, Uncle Larry appears.

“There you are you horrid SLUG!” it was uncle larry “where have u been? I’m goin to rape u now!”

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was…dead!

Ooh, a cliff-hanger! Creepy Uncle Larry is dead and Ewdard has run away from Darvocet ,just like he has Every. Single. Time.   Except this time he’s naked.

The author’s sense of time seems to be badly skewered, every action is described as going on for hours at the time. The main character talks for hours, she is raped for hours, they make sex for hours, when does this girl have time to do all this crap?