Chapter 7 – Surprises!

Okay, so you know how I’ve said that this story gets progressively worse? This chapter marks the point where the author gives up any semblance of caring and just starts making random shit up. Enjoy!

Antimony wakes up “sheepishly” at home the morning after her romp in the woods with Ewdard, where you will remember that  she became a vampire and popped Uncle Larry’s head off like a toddler with her sister’s  Barbie doll. At first she thinks the entire episode is a dream (I wish) and heads downstairs for breakfast, where her foster parents smile at her adoringly. Her foster mother then tells Amazonia that she loves her new contacts and hair style and that, if possible, she looks even more beautiful than ever.

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before. My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac. I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed.

So after repeated claims of not caring about her appearance, all coupled with long rambling descriptions of her beauty, we get this steaming chunk of hypocrisy. I think I would prefer another poem to this nonsense. People do not look like this; anime characters look like this.  There has been no indication up to this point that Technicolor features like silver eyes and purple hair are normal for this particular universe.  And yet  The Most Oblivious Foster Parents In The World just tell her how much prettier she looks.

While Super-Sue admires her new beauty, even though she doesn’t care about that sort of thing, the phone rings. The foster father answers.

“what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!” and he hung up

“whats happened honey?” Marie asked smiling

“uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother”

Because well-written characters always state how they are feeling at any given moment.

 Anaphylaxis remembers that she opened Uncle Larry up like a champagne bottle, so she screams at the top of her well-endowed lungs and runs to school. (This is treated as perfectly normal behavior that doesn’t raise any suspicions in anyone.) As she runs through the woods, feeling guilty about killing the creepy uncle, even if he was a “perv” and a “rascist”, and “even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell” she still feels very guilty about what she has done. Just before she “explodes with guilt” (one could only hope) while running through the endless trees to get to school, a bear pops up from out of nowhere right in front of her, which is a nice change from everything happening suddenly and from behind.

It’s a panda bear. Wandering around the forests of Washington state.

I shit you not.

it was a bear – a big panda bear! it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

THIS is what you consider a “totally weird thing”? Of all the nonsensical things that have happened, this is where you decide to say “Woah. That’s odd.” (It’s too much to ask that she continues her trend of running constantly and actually run through the panda, thereby allowing me to make any number of “What’s black and white and red all over?” jokes.)

And it’s a talking panda bear  (Of course it is.) who greets her by name. How it knows her name is not explained, but it introduces itself as Snooflanti-tatuna, but prefers to be called Snoofles. Sounds reasonable, I guess. If a talking panda wanted me to call it High Lord Peaseblossom, I would do it. Then I would check myself into the hospital.

Tabbycat is understandably confused at this, but Snoofles explains that he can’t talk like a human, but she can understand him because she now has the ability to talk to animals. (Just like Dr. Dolittle.) She wonders aloud what else she can do, so Snoofles suggests she try touching a tree. The tree immediately bursts into a fountain of flowers, carpeting the forest floor with blossoms. They are so beautiful that Sacramento thinks of Ewdard, which also makes her angry. She touches another tree and it bursts into flames. She concludes from this that she has the ability to make things she touches “turn into things that somehow reflected how i was feeling.!” which does not bode well for Ewdard’s man-carrot given her demonstrably volatile temper.  She asks Snoofles if she can do anything else and he tells her he doesn’t know because he’s just a panda bear. It is unknown how he knew about the touchy-feely thing. He asks if she wants to be his human friend and she says sure, and then runs away (again) to go to school, leaving the tree still on fire.

Tucson arrives at school and walks around “almost in a trance”, but coherent enough to hear people complimenting her on her new and even more glorious appearance, even thought she could not care less. She runs around gym class in her gym clothes (which I’m sure are stifling after the doily-like leather-and-fishnet ensembles she normally wears) playing “dodgball”. The Chearleaders are throwing their balls at her really hard, but she is dodging them at the speed of light. Again, this unusual event is not remarked upon by anyone. Instead Laruen tries to “hit me over the face with her balls” (snerk) so Acrobatica slaps her in the face. Laruen calls her a “freaky goth tudor bitch”, her  “ugly face flapping like a big bag” as she screams at Azteca. Tornado tells her to leave her alone, “looking more beautiful that ever” (even thought she doesn’t care about that sort of thing at all) but Laruen says;

“no – ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!”

Aromatic gets so mad she pushes Laruen, and where she touches her the Chearleader’s skin begins to bubble and froth “in a totally gross way”. And then she is struck by lightning. (I guess because the flesh-melting thing wasn’t bad enough.) She doesn’t die but she is sent to the hospital (where I assume the doctors will arrange for an exorcism.) Class carries on as usual.

After a class where the flesh melts off of a student (who is also struck by lightning while inside a gym) Techno sits alone in the locker room, weeping in her “ very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it” because she is such a sad and tragic figure  and all sad and tragic figures spend a lot of time sitting around crying while wearing Halloween costumes. It’s about time Ewdard made an appearance, so he is suddenly behind her in the (girls’) locker room.

“Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!” said edward. i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.

So far this relationship has consisted of shouting at each other, molestation, and him running away from her screaming(occasionally while naked.) Now we can add “he faints at the sight of her and she is unconcerned” to the list.

He regains consciousness and tells her that he fainted because she was so very beautiful, (:gags:) but then notices she is crying tears of “soft blood” and asks her what is wrong. Angioedema tells him that she is upset because she murdered Uncle Creepy, plus she might have caused Laruen to be struck by lightning. (She does not mention the gross skin-melting thing so I guess she was okay with causing that.) He tells her it is fine; Uncle Creepy was evil and no one really like Laruen that much anyway. He tries to comfort her and she pushes him away, still angry that he ran away screaming after they “did sex” in the forest the night before. She once more tells him to choose between her and Bella.

“I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!”

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I’d never seen anybody look so perfect. I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

“Do you mean it edward? You’ll be mine forrever?”

“I does, i shall be thy mate” he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

She finds a pair of handcuffs on a bench, because every high school girls’ locker room has random handcuffs lying around, and somehow manages to tie him to a hook with them. (I guess this high school was once a meat packing plant and there are random hooks just sticking out of the walls and ceiling.)

he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.

That is possibly the least erotic thing I have ever read in my life. The instructions that came with my coffeemaker were more erotic than this tripe. If his “man-fruit thing” is lavender, you should not be thinking about putting it in your mouth. You should be thinking about getting some antibiotics ASAP.

As they are finishing up, a voice “sodenly” comes from behind them. This is about the hundredth time a voice has come suddenly from behind someone; everyone in this thing must move like a damned cat. And given the positions the two were in it would be physically impossible for one person to be behind both of them at the same time, unless there have been some drastic changes in human anatomy I am not aware of.

It is, of course, Bella. She calls them “EVIL RODENT PEOPLE”, tells them she hates them both and is going to go kill herself.

Thus ends Chapter 7. The next chapter is the last one and I’m sure it will be every bit as nonsensical as this one was. Sounds like “fun”!