Chapter 8 – the Kidnap

WOO-HOO! It’s the last chapter!

:does happy dance:

But I still have to read it.

Ugh.

I am going to try my damnedest to make some sort of sense out of this steaming pile but, like building a full-size replica of the Titanic out of Doritos and dryer lint, it might prove to be very difficult.

Here we go!

Alabama is still in the locker room, partially nude and crying, looking very exotic and gorgeous (even thought she doesn’t care about that sort of thing at all) with her hair falling over her face in “a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple” as she cries “a tepid summer rain of misery and woe” because Ewdard has left her alone. She is also very mad at him, since he went after Bella (to prevent her from killing herself) after he had called her a mean cow and vowing to never leave Tachymeter’s side. Deciding to skip the rest of school and go home, she then sits on her bed (wearing a black corset and leather panties) and smokes “some drugs” while she cries some more.

I hope this girl remembers to drink plenty of liquids, anyone who cries as much as she does must have some serious dehydration issues.

Clueless Foster Father Dave enters her room and “makes a big smiley face”, possibly out of macaroni and glitter glue. (This would be the same “very sad” man whose brother was found a few hours before in the forest with his head torn off like he was a chocolate Easter bunny.) He happily asks her how school was without noticing that she is smoking dope.

he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick

Okay, just how stupid is this man? Not noticing that his brother is constantly raping and beating up his foster daughter is somewhat believable, you sadly hear about that sort of thing in the news, but she is sitting right in front of him with a LIT JOINT in her hand, making no effort to hide it or get rid of the smoke it is producing. Dressed as a dominatrix. Even the most clueless man knows that you don’t smoke lip gloss, and a sixteen-year-old smoking anything anywhere should raise a few alarm bells in even the most clueless of parents.

She screams at him that her life sucks and she wants to die (while her eyes “glitered with beauty”), but Foster Father of the Year just laughs it off as “u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!” This enrages Tickertape (just like everything else  in the world) and she tells Dave that he’s a nice guy but also a dumb asshole. She tops this off by tossing her ashtray at his head.

Without touching it.

Because she can now move things with her mind (what mind?) when she’s angry. (All the damn time)

His response to an ashtray (no doubt filled with “Chapstick” ashes) being telekinetically flung at his head is to agree with her;

“haha, i guess your right” he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin)

(Your definition of “spoiled” differs vastly from mine, little girl.) and tell Tarzan that he is glad she is in his home. Oh, and by the way –  she looks even prettier that ever! And her breasts totally look like they are getting even bigger!

Her reply, after jumping down the throat of anyone who has dared to give her the slightest complement?

“yeh i no they are like an E cup now”

This is not a healthy family dynamic.

He pats her on the head (Seriously?) and leaves. Fed up with being treated like a child, she gets off the bed and puts on a long black dress (over the corset and leather panties) and takes “some pills (of drugs)” (rather than, say, the pills from a sweater – which she doesn’t own) before heading to a local goth nightclub called “Pablo NIghtmare” where all the cool people in Forks hang out. (“bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL!”)

On the way to the club she meets Snoofles, the talking panda that only she can understand, and he comes to the club with her. (Because all nightclubs are panda-accessible now.) They get some drinks and start dancing to the heavy metal music (pandas are excellent dancers) while people stare at them. They stare at them partly because she is “so diffrerent looking” and partly because Snoofles is a dancing panda. (I’m also picturing him drinking a bamboo martini.) Typhoon doesn’t care how many people are staring, because she is “SO drunk” and because she has taken so many drugs that her head “was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.”( I don’t see how that would be any different from any other time, but let us soldier on.)

For a delightful change, Ewdard doesn’t appear out of nowhere, but another Cullen does show up. (I assume suddenly and from behind.)

“hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school” said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. he was tall. he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN – haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!)

(AN is shorthand for Author’s Note; it is considered very bad form to stick one in the middle of a story, but that’s the least of the travesties this author is guilty of.)

Tennessee gives an offhand “hey whatever” and asks Jasper where his girlfriend Alice is. (Because even though she has never met this person before, she knows everything about him and who he is dating.) He looks “soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.” Strangely concerned about someone who isn’t her (it must be the drugs) she asks Jasper what is wrong. He tells her that he doesn’t love Alice like she loves him, because he is gay and “thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!” She tells him that being gay is “proper normal” and that “Snoofles is gay and everything”. (Snoofles waves at him when she tells Jasper this and Jasper waves back at the panda) This revelation (from a total stranger he meets at a nightclub) makes Jasper secure enough with his homosexuality that he picks up a guy named Vince. Jasper also shares his drugs with everybody. (Vampires are the dope fiends of the paranormal world, despite consuming absolutely nothing but blood.)

The four drunks pile into Snoofles’ car (Yes, the panda has his own car) with Arabesque driving while the three male characters are in the backseat having sex. She is drunk but it’s okay for her to drive because her reflexes are better than a human’s. (That’s what every drunk driver thinks.)

Suddenly (Ugh.) someone jumps in front of the car and she has to stop. It is a;

“man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness.”

(I think the author is trying to say that his hair is black.)

Even though he’s good looking, he looks angry so she decides to get out her samurai sword (all sixteen year old girls carry samurai swords with them at all times. Kinda like having very pointy pepper spray.) but someone comes up (You guess it – suddenly and from behind her) and takes it away from her;

there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice, i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other – it was so cute but now was SO not the time! The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.

I would like to be rendered unconscious right now so I do not have to picture that.

Absentia “awokens” in a small dark room, stripped down to her underwear (the black corset and leather panties from earlier) and chained to a chair with Mr. Tall Mussel Man in front of her.  She calls him a “WANKY PERV” and wants to know who he is. (She actually “shoyted” it at him.) He responds in a perfectly normal manner – by yelling “I AM JACOB … THE WEREWOLF KING!”  while his eyes roll around his face. (He should see a doctor about that.)

Now, there has been absolutely no mention of Jacob or werewolves in general until this point. Terracotta has so far accepted the existence of vampires, her erratic visions of Daddy Glowworm, a gay talking panda, and the Bag ‘O Miscellaneous Half-Assed Powers she has so far displayed with complete indifference and her patented blend of bitchy whining and complaining sprinkled with self-compliments. The simple shouted introduction of Jacob The Werewolf King makes her give an epic “NOOOO!” and try to “broke” herself free of her chains. Sadly she cannot; even though she possesses the ability to accidentally melt a girl and smite her with lightning, some simple chains defeat her. Instead she stares into his “wagging face”and asks him what he wants. (She also responds with the standard hysterical weeping.) His response deserves to be reproduced in its full glory.

“YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!” he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. “YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!”

Take a moment to shout “HALF-BREAD!” out loud. It’s fun!

So His Majesty has a problem with Twinkie; she’s the product of a union between a vampire and a “whitch”, who incidentally also broke Bella’s heart. (Because Angleiron was the Man-Carrot who was dating Bella and dumped her for the new girl with even bigger emotional problems. Oh, wait … No, she wasn’t. She was the one half-heartedly protesting the advances of the Lavender Man-Fruit who was dating Bella, while taking turns tearing her clothing off and begging him for sex.) It is uncertain how the bakery-themed insults figure into Anaconda’s parentage.

With all this screaming (complete with thick and foamy saliva) something manages to capture the frail butterfly that is Arable’s attention. (Actually it “caugt” her “atention”)

“What do u mean my mom was a whitch?” I said.

“MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!”

His Majesty only has one volume, AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE. He also seems to know an awful lot about this random girl he kidnapped off the street. How would he even know that the girl who “broke Bella’s heart” , someone that he has never seen before, would be driving that particular car down that particular street? (a car that doesn’t belong to her, but to a homosexual panda who is still fornicating in the back seat somewhere with a gay vampire and some guy named Vince.)

Suddenly (:sigh:) everything makes sense to Tropicana, but she is so shocked by whatever realization she has that she faints.

When she comes to, His Majesty is naked and seems intent on introducing Aggravation to his little prince.

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom. he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me! but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

(Who could that possibly be, I wonder to myself without caring in the slightest.)

IT WAS EWDARD!

That’s how it ends, with those three words. Terrycloth is still chained to a chair (in her corset and leather panties; the author has obviously never spent a lot of time in leather clothing. If I wear my leather work gloves for more than an hour I get a terrible case of swamp-hand. I can’t imagine what a night of binge-drinking and goth-dancing has done to this girl’s netherbits.) with a naked Werewolf King rubbing his chew toy on her leg while Ewdard stands in the doorway. The story hasn’t been updated since February of ’09, so it is unlikely that any of this travesty will ever be resolved in any meaningful manner. I would like to think that a pack of feral Twitards located the author and destroyed every computer she would ever be able to access, for the sole purpose of preventing her from finishing this story.

There are several ways you could end this brain-melter;

  • A nuclear bomb could accidentally fall on the town, saving it from an eternity of Twilight knock-offs.
  • Areonautica develops the ability to change the metal chains into fishnets so she at least has something else to wear besides leather panties.
  • The mystery car containing the talking panda and his two boy-toys with amazing stamina rolls down the hill that suddenly springs up and crushes the one room shack and Jacob, Terrapin, and Ewdard into a fine paste, thus solving forever the Team Jacob – Team Edward dilemma.
  • A school of air-breathing piranhas appear, suddenly and from behind, and consume everyone in town.
  • Aliens arrive and vaporize every single one of these horrible people, sparing the rest of humanity from having to deal with their petty and confusing bullshit.
  • Tourmaline becomes a crime scene technician who uses her awesome vampire powers to solve crimes, with the help of a wise-cracking ferret who deals meth on the side.
  • Ewdard decides that he doesn’t love Bella or Arabia and decides to run away with Jacob and open a tanning salon. (After a quick orgy in the back seat of a car with a talking caribou named Princess Igor.)
  • Teratogenic opens the world’s strangest grocery store; stocking it solely with lavender man-fruits, man-carrots, “horible” wet mushrooms, and greasy frog things. She does excellent business among the single women (and certain men) of Forks.

If you have any ideas on how this Cleveland Steamer should end, I would love to read them.

I have finally reached the end of this excretable …thing. I have learned many things, sad and strange things, and it will take a while for me to drink the memory of them away. I’d better go get started.

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