It’s employee evaluation time at [ghostbank], which is always a fun time of year. But  no evaluation = no bonus, so I must endure. There’s a form you have to fill out and, being the smartass that I am, I could not help but mentally fill it in differently. Then I copied out the questions so I could actually share my responses with you, my three or four loyal readers  (Hi Mom! :waves: ) rather than come up with something original.

   Note areas of professional development since your last evaluation (training/education).

Well, my potty training is progressing nicely. I hardly ever have accidents anymore! It has been a very … educational process.

     Describe your strengths as they relate to your job duties and responsibilities.

As the daughter of Therabald the Mighty, God of Typhoons and Patron Saint of Tiny Dogs Wearing Ridiculous Hats, I am able to move mountians, tame seas, and accessorize red velvet trim with antique mother-of-pearl buttons.

     Identify areas you could improve to enhance your effectiveness.

Once I finish building my time machine/espresso maker, I will be able to conquer all of Space and Time twice as fast! Muwahahaha! And I would love a new chair that doesn’t have a squeaky wheel. The constant screaming for grease gets on my nerves when I’m watching my stories.

     What would you like to see changed within your specific work area and/or the [ghostbank]?

Would it be possible to chain the howling hell-beasts up from time to time? I’m getting tired of cleaning the steaming piles of saliva-covered human bones off my desk.

     What suggestions or recommendations do you have for implementing these changes?

Get some chains. Or a heavy hammer, a few tarps, a couple of shovels, and some guys with a big truck who won’t ask too many questions.

     What are your short-term and/or long-term career goals?

my short-term goals involve a muscular masseuse, edible body glitter, a can of peanut butter frosting, and a set of jumper cables. In the long term I’d like to be crowned Miss Universe and rule all of mankind as your beloved but feared Empress. Oh, and world peace, I guess. : smiles big and gives beauty pageant wave:

     List any goals you have achieved or contributions you have made since your last evaluation.

I have crushed the wills of the weak and made the strong weep. Rivers run red with the blood of my vanquished enemies! And I found out who was moving my lunchbox to the shelf in the break room fridge with the unidentified sticky stuff on it. They have been … dealt with.

(For those who are interested – my evaluation was fifteen minutes of my boss telling me how awesome I am, which was nice.)

Be sure to head over to The Library of the Damned, today’s the first installment of my rifftastic critique of what has to be the worse Portal fanfic ever written. Go. Read. Openly mock my sentence structure.