Remember to head over to The Library of the Damned for my awesome fic riff of the Portal fanfic ITS MY LIFE! It has zombies!

I normally write my post the night before, trusting my naturally witty self to somehow come up with something. However, I have taken some Motrin to help with a sore tooth so my brain feels conspicuously absent right now.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had to retype those two sentences, mostly because I can’t remember. Once again my laughably low drug tolerance comes back to bite me in the well-padded ass.

So instead of coming up with something coherent about laxative yogurts, I’m going to watch an episode of Lost Tapes with Mr. Skully.

"Can you at least adjust my eyes so I can see the TV?" "Quiet, you!"

If you’ve never heard of Lost Tapes, it’s a faux-documentary show that airs on Animal Planet featuring mythical creatures. I seen episodes in the past and disliked the show, mostly because of the “found footage” style in which it is shot. All of the shows are first-person, the characters carry video cameras everywhere with various degrees of believability. After three seasons I think they are starting to run out of plausible ways for people to be toting cameras with them into odd places. If it was on a different network I don’t think I would have a problem with the show; the fact that the vast majority of the shows on Animal Planet contain real footage of real animals could be misleading to some viewers despite the rather vague warning that the show is “inspired by the possibility that hidden creatures exist.”

Ooooh...

If you can push past the fact that very gullible people would believe this show to be real and that most of the reasoning for what is happening is utter crap, there are brief segments of very serious scholarly types talking very seriously about whatever bullshit theory they have come up with to rationalize the show’s plot interspersed with the found footage, it’s still pretty bad.

Each show seems to be variation of the same formula – isolate a small group (less than half a dozen people) in a remote location with no contact with anyone else, introduce monster, monster picks off group members while never revealing itself to the plentiful cameras tossed about like party favors.

I’ll go into more detail in a later post, right now I’m going to rant about the episode I’m watching with Mr. Skully.

Good of you to remember me.

We are watching the episode featuring … Zombies?

What the hell, Animal Planet?

Zombies? Really? On Animal Planet. There better be a zombie giraffe showing up, that’s all I’m saying.

So there’s a bit of backstory, some voodoo priestess/boarding house landlady is murdered by a dead man in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.  Instead of sending in police officers and a SWAT team to capture the murderer, who is still in the boarding house a month later, three people from a private security firm are rigged with cameras and sent in. There’s the leader guy, the tough chick, and the young rookie, whom I predict will die a gruesome death. What do you think,Mr. Skully?
 

He's a goner.

There is a debriefing scene where the plot is spelled out – they are to go in, get the murderer, and get out. These three people go into the decrepit boarding house, at night with atmospheric flashlights to lend an air of mystery and suspense, after the rookie explains that he’s set up cameras outside to monitor the perimeter. No one’s actually watching the feed from these cameras, but by damn they are watching that perimeter! Once inside the spooky and ominously dark house, they split up. There’s a lot of helmet-cam style shots as they spin about searching. Poor Mr. Skully got motion sickness.

:urp: ‘Scuse me.

A scientist explains how zombies work and that the most common way zombieism is spread is by biting.

Gee, like years of zombie films hadn’t divulged that fact.

Tough Chick goes through the murder victim’s bedroom, where there is a voodoo altar set up. More science geek talk about zombie powder (tetrodotoxin) and then the rookie finds a leg, head, and assorted body bits downstairs.

No back-up is called at this point, but they do decide to use deadly force if necessary. Leader guy gets a signal that something has breached the perimeter and sends the rookie out to take a look. He joins Tough Chick in front of the altar, where they are attacked by a rather ratty looking fella wielding a two by four. He is shot and falls dramatically over the stair railing.

He'll be back.

More science talk about how to kill a zombie (headshot) and that a freshly turned zombie will look more like a human.

Well, duh.

Meanwhile, the rookie is outside where he finds the source of the perimeter breach – a young girl wandering around. She, of course, bites him.

Told you so.

While Rookie struggles with the zombie girl, Tough Chick and Leader talk a bit about neurotoxin and are attacked by another ratty looking fella. No, wait; same fella. But it’s not the murderer. There’s yet more science geek talk about how humans are biologically prey. Leader tells the rookie, who is in the van outside with the zombie girl (who is chewing through her own arm) to call for back-up in four minutes. Tough Chick and Leader are attacked by another zombie, who is the murderer they are loking for, Tough Chick beats on him with the butt of her assault rifle but he doesn’t do anything. She then shoots him several times in the chest and can’t fugure out why he won’t go down.

Here’s an idea – shoot him in the head!

A headshot will kill you even if you aren’t a zombie.

Leader tosses a blanket over the murderer zombie and they tie him up. More zombies appear and attack. No one figures out that a headshot will do the trick. Zombie girl shows up after having chewed through her own arm and is shot, again in the chest. Leader and Tough Chick go out the window and meet up with Zombie Rookie, who attacks them as the show fades to black.

There is a prologue that reveals that Leader and Tough Chick survived and attended Zombie Rookie’s funeral.The boarding house was torn down the day after the daring night raid .

I am very disappointed that there were no zombie giraffes.

 

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