Gather ’round, boys and girls and that weird sexless person from Starbucks who breathes funny, and I shall tell you a wonderous tale.

Once upon a time there was a Land of Toast. Toast was the most important thing in the land and people spent hours and hours working tedious jobs in exchange for toast that they would then exchange for things like new shoes or milkshakes. Much of this toast was in fact imaginary, existing only in magical machines called computers. There were places called Toast Stores where people spent all day moving the imaginary toast around in the computers. It was frightfully dull work. The Toast Stores also had Secure Toast Closets where supplies of toast were kept for those who didn’t want to play with the imaginary toast and preferred to carry around their toast in their pockets.

At one of these Toast Stores there worked a young(ish) being called Toastbat. Toastbat came into work each day and walked past the Secure Toast Closet, which had many different shiny locks on it, to put her lunch in the lunch room. This day the door to the Secure Toast Closet was still shut when she walked past, which Toastbat thought was quite peculiar. When she walked into the lunch room, she found one of her co-workers talking on the phone. It was hard to understand what the co-worker was saying, but it appeared that she was losing her shit.

The shiny locks on the door of the Secure Toast Closet had a special clock that had to be set each night for a specific length of time and there was always someone who checked to make sure the time was right. This was to prevent someone setting the time wrong; for instance, if someone who was going on vacation set the clock for a weekend rather than for a regular day and the person they asked to check it was also going to be out the next day and didn’t notice that the time was wrong. This would mean that the Secure Toast Closet could not be opened at the right time and people would not be able to get their toast when they wanted it. It would also mean that the workers at the Toast Store would have to spend a busy day trying to find toast from other Toast Stores in the area and telling-but-not-telling people that they couldn’t open the Secure Toast Closet to get into the special cabinets that those people had rented inside the Secure Toast Closet to store valuable things like butter and jam, since folks seem to get upset when they hear that sort of thing.

(This is all hypothetical, of course.)

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