So we all know my brain works a bit wonky at times, right?

The other day Mother Dearest and I were digging through the big bins of toys at one of our favorite thrift stores and I found a naked porcelain doll with a stained cloth body and a broken foot. I fished it out and showed it to MD, who gave me The Look until I wondered out loud how much she could sell the head and hands for. (Hint: they are expensive.) She spent the twenty-five cents and scavenged the head and hands, throwing away the body and both feet.

I happened to look in the trash can, saw the good foot and decided to keep it.

I now literally have two left feet.

I was fiddling around with the leg and trying to think of something I could do with it. Make tiny shoes? Use it to model wee socks? While I was thinking I cruised over to eBay to do some browsing.

I like to type in random words into the search bar to see what comes up, one of my favorite to do is “haunted” because the weirdest crap comes up. All kinds of jewelry claiming to contain various spirits (and not the good kind) with all sorts of odd claims like the trapped succubus will turn you gay if you wear a particular “spirit vessel.” (Or turn you straight if you are already gay, I guess. Succubi seem to be equal opportunity specters.) Several sellers sell identical items that conveniently seem to house the same sort of spirit despite the ads claiming they are either Rare, Unique, or One of A Kind, and at least one is running a BOGO sale.

Which got me thinking … Why not sell my extra foot on eBay? With an appropriately outlandish story, of course.

Like the tiny bottle of googly craft eyes being sold as an “aid to open yur 3RD eye!” that claims to come from the estate of a real witch (All of these supposedly haunted items seem to come from the estates of real witches, they must be dropping like flies.) or the rock that the seller claims will allow you to create “healing water” on command. (Get back to me when you find a rock that will make some gin to go with that tonic water.)

Say it with me, children - "Seventeen dollars for THAT?"

There are numerous items being sold as haunted that I know for a fact that I’ve seen in bead and jewelry catalogs or websites, some are even being sold on eBay without the backstory for a quarter of the price.

At the bottom of every listing, after the seller has spent many badly-structured paragraphs attempting to convince you that this geegaw, for real and for truly, contains some mystical force, there is always a disclaimer at the bottom.

This is the one from the Googly 3RD eye bottle auction:

Legal Stuff:——— Law requirement states that paranormal objects are for entertainment purposes only; and you must be at least 18 years old to purchase. You agree that your purchase is subject to your own interpretation. This is a paranormal item that has been tested as active and we cannot be held accountable or responsible for its behavior .

So if it takes your car out for a joyride and impregnates the dog, it’s your own damned fault.

There is no law that I know of that specifically states that a “paranormal” item must be sold for “entertainment purposes only” – that’s just a fancy way of covering your ass so someone won’t try to sue you (or eBay) when the cheap piece of jewelry or Wal-Mart brand doll you sold them does absolutely nothing. There isn’t an age limit to buying dolls or jewelry, it just makes it sound that much more serious and give it a veneer of respectability.

Before someone makes a comment along the lines of “UR sew terribul!” because I’m contemplating using a fictional story to sell a doll’s foot on eBay, I’d like to point out that all of the stories selling these things are fictional. There is no such thing as vampires, or werewolves, or djinn  – all of these things are fictional creatures. I do believe there are more things in Heaven and Earth, etc – but you can’t download a fictional creature (or a real one for that matter) into an object like it was some sort of metaphysical iPod.

That said, if anyone has any ideas for a backstory for my leg, I’d love to hear it. I’m thinking a unicorn, I didn’t see many unicorns, or possibly a fire-breathing giraffe.

Holy shit, Google - really?