Like a lot of financial institutions, [ghostbank] has started using radio frequency identification (RFID) chips in debit and credit cards. It’s a pretty new technology for us and not all of our customers are sure what the chips are actually supposed to do. Earlier this week I recieved a call that just confused the hell out of me.

I answered the phone and the customer wants to track down her card. At first I assume she means that she ordered a card and wants to know when it will arrive, so I ask her when it was ordered.

Customer – I lost it last Tuesday.

Me – So you cancelled the old card and ordered a new one on Tuesday?

Customer – I never ordered a new one, I just want to find my card.

Me – :pause: Did you want to go ahead and cancel the old card and order a new one?

Customer – :big “You’re an idiot” sigh: No, I don’t need a new card. I want you to find MINE.

Me – Do you mean you want to know if the card has been used anywhere since you lost it?

Customer – NO! I already know it hasn’t been used because I called [other ghostbank location]. I just want you to get me my card!

Me – :silently curses other location: I don’t really understand what it is you want me to do, ma’am.

Customer – :another big sigh: Listen to me; I have a [ghostbank] card, okay? And I want you to find it.

Me – :realization dawns: You want me to physically locate where the card is right now?

Customer – Yes! God, is it so hard to understand English? Find. My. Card!

Me – Ma’am, I’m not able to do that. If your card is used at a location I could tell you when and where it was used, but I  can’t tell you where it is at any given moment.

Customer – But it has one of those chips in it. You can just … scan for it.

Me – :pause: Ma’am, that’s not how the RFID chip works. It’s just for …

Customer – :interrupts: Yes it is, I saw it on TV. Just call your satellites and find where my card is. You know, triangle the signal or whatever it is you do.

Me – :repressing urge to scream: Ma’am, that is not how it works.

Things sort of went downhill from there and I really started wishing I could locate her damn card with a satellite and target a laser to melt the damned thing.