Tag Archive: answers

I was perusing the Gun Permit Application for my county (’cause that’s how I roll) and it occurred to me that just checking “Yes” or “No” is kinda dull. Here’s how I would answer the questions (if I were truly crazy and wanted the sheriff to haul my freckled ass to the loony bin, that is)

As always, the original questions are in boldface type and I have preserved all grammar errors found in the original.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony in any state or federal court?

Let’s just say I’m no longer welcomed in Idaho.

Have you ever been adjudicated as incompetent or committed to any mental institution?

Why, what have you heard? I swear, the rabbit is lying! I wasn’t any where near Farmer Brown’s place at the time and besides, I’m allergic to chrysanthemums!

Are you currently under indictment for any felony?

Not on Earth.

Are you a user of, or addicted to marijuana, depressants, stimulants, narcotic drugs, or any other controlled substance?

I am currently high on life.

And Kool-Aid.

Made with moonshine and liquid cocaine.

 Are you an illegal alien?

Are my antennae showing again? Dammit, I thought this wig was supposed to be full coverage!

Have you been discharged from the military with other than honorable conditions?

If the military regime I created no longer exists, would I be considered discharged?

Are you a US citizen? (If not, name country of citizenship.)

I’m one of those, what do you call them? Canadarians? Crustashians? Canalians? Those guys. That’s me. I swear.

Have you renounced your US citizenship?

We only dated for a little while, so I’d like to think we’re still friends.

Are you subject to a court order that was issued after a hearing in which you have recieved notice and have had an opportunity to participate, not to possess a firearm?

My lawyer advised me not to speak of it.

Are you subject to a court order, by any court, from harassing, stalking, or threatening an intimate partner or child of an intimate partner, or engaged in other conduct that would place an intimate partner in reasonable fear of bodily injury to the child or the partner and which finds that you represent a credible threat to the physical safety of the intimate partner or child that would reasonably be expected to cause bodily injury?

I’m under sanctions by the Boy Scouts Honor Court, but I was framed. Those balloons filled with toothpaste and mace could have come from anywhere.

Have you been convicted of a domestic violence offense?

So far I have managed to keep my offensive violence strictly foreign.


Things I wish people wouldn’t say

In my continuing effort to “help” people while do as little actual work as possible, today I’m going to list a few things I wish people wouldn’t say to me and give the reasons why I wish people would stop saying these things to me. Onward to adventure!

1.) “Does this look infected to you?”


I am not a doctor.

Your friends, unless they are actually doctors, are not doctors.

 I work in an office;  If you would like me to tell you if something looks collated, I could do that for you because I’m all about that shit.

While I care as deeply as I can about your physical well-being, do not shove your pus-dripping body parts in my face –  I can’t help you with that and will probably scream like a small child and faint.

2.) “Does this taste/smell bad to you?”


Did it taste or smell bad to you?

 Did the thick, fetid reek make tears come to your eyes and vomit into your throat? 

Then it probably does to me as well. Don’t feel that you need to share that special experience with me.

3.) “Can I ask you something?”





4.)  “I have so many problems!”


Do me a favor – before you corner someone and start listing the many many things that are so very wrong with you, stop at take a good look at the person in front of you.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

That’s a live human being (at least, I sincerely hope it is) and it may come as a surprise to you to find out that live human beings have problems. Every single one of them.  Dead human beings have a different set of problems, but we won’t go into that today.

5.) “You working hard or hardly working? Ha ha ha!” (Laughter is mandatory)


Please stop this. It’s not funny and any laughter you get is polite pity-laughter, the same thing you would receive if you bashed yourself on the thumb with a hammer. 

 Every time I hear these words strung together in this way I die a little on the inside.