Tag Archive: list



I can’t seem to think of anything interesting to write today.

I can think of plenty of things, but nothing I could coherently form into sentences and put into something resembling an interesting post. Here’s what I’m thinking of right now;

Skeletal trees, ghost trees, the white glowing bark.

Bark.

Bark.

Bark.

That’s a weird word – Bark. 

Dogs bark.

Dogs like trees.

Trees have bark. 

Cats sharpen their claws on tree bark.

Cats don’t like dogs. Or is it that dogs don’t like cats?

We take tree bark and pile it around other plants, but it’s the skin of a larger plant. That’s strange. 

Our skin is like leather.

You can tan leather and dye it all different colors.

It would be awesome if you could dye your skin different colors. Like a tattoo but different.

You can’t tan your skin, it would probably kill you.

I bet Sharpie could make skin dye markers. That would be awesome.

I’d like to be purple. Or maybe turquoise.

Can trees be ghosts? Does Home Depot hold the fractured spirits of millions of vanished lives?

Do carrots feel pain? 

Can you coerce a vegetable?

What does strawberry brandy taste like?

White chocolate doesn’t have any chocolate in it, it’s just cocoa butter, sugar, and vanilla.

I like vanilla.

I wish there was a vanilla-flavored melon. I bet that would taste good.

Nails are weird. What purpose do your nails serve other than to have something to scratch with?

I bet strawberry brandy would be good on vanilla ice cream.

Pudding.

Pudding.

 Pooh-“ding!”

Pudding’s a weird food. It’s not a solid but it’s not a liquid.

I wonder if you could make pudding into a non-Newtonian solid. That would be interesting.

Non-Newtonian Pudding.

I wonder if you could make a non-Newtonian cheese.

More foods should be available in aerosol form. Like ham. Or salsa. Maybe peanut butter, but not the chunky kind.

Chunk.

Chunk.

Chunk a bunk.

Chunky bunky Bunk-Bunk-Bunk.

Bunco.

Bunny comb.

Bunny combovers.

Cockscomb.

My ears are ringing.

Raspberry brandy would probably be better on vanilla ice cream.

Or chocolate.

 But not white chocolate, that would be too sweet.

Hey look – I wrote a blog post!

Things I wish people wouldn’t say


In my continuing effort to “help” people while do as little actual work as possible, today I’m going to list a few things I wish people wouldn’t say to me and give the reasons why I wish people would stop saying these things to me. Onward to adventure!

1.) “Does this look infected to you?”

 

I am not a doctor.

Your friends, unless they are actually doctors, are not doctors.

 I work in an office;  If you would like me to tell you if something looks collated, I could do that for you because I’m all about that shit.

While I care as deeply as I can about your physical well-being, do not shove your pus-dripping body parts in my face –  I can’t help you with that and will probably scream like a small child and faint.

2.) “Does this taste/smell bad to you?”

 

Did it taste or smell bad to you?

 Did the thick, fetid reek make tears come to your eyes and vomit into your throat? 

Then it probably does to me as well. Don’t feel that you need to share that special experience with me.

3.) “Can I ask you something?”

 

You.

 Just.

 DID.

4.)  “I have so many problems!”

 

Do me a favor – before you corner someone and start listing the many many things that are so very wrong with you, stop at take a good look at the person in front of you.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

That’s a live human being (at least, I sincerely hope it is) and it may come as a surprise to you to find out that live human beings have problems. Every single one of them.  Dead human beings have a different set of problems, but we won’t go into that today.

5.) “You working hard or hardly working? Ha ha ha!” (Laughter is mandatory)

 

Please stop this. It’s not funny and any laughter you get is polite pity-laughter, the same thing you would receive if you bashed yourself on the thumb with a hammer. 

 Every time I hear these words strung together in this way I die a little on the inside.

List O’ Mystery


My love for YSaC is boundless and today’s ad is especially grand. I have decided to answer the questions for today’s post.You can see the original here, The original questions are in boldface.
1) What is the strangest paranormal experience you have encountered?

I have a haunted closet, it’s where I keep my spirits. And by “spirits”, I mean “booze”.
 

2) Why do you think people have premonitions?

They forget to rub strawberry cake frosting into their scalps before they  put on their protective tin foil beanies.

3) If you could go back in time, only once and never return to today, when and where would you go. Would you just standby and watch or try to deliberately alter the past? What would you alter?

I would go back to yesterday and take a really good nap. Maybe make some chili. I could really go for some chili right now and it’s always better the second day.
 

4) When did you realize you had a special gift and how did you, and others react to it?

Like a snowflake I was born special, with the certain knowledge of my specialness. This is why so many babysitters tried to set me on fire – they feared my awesome specialness.

5) How many hours a week do you spend at your craft?

It takes a while to sharpen your toothbrush into a servicable shank, so I’d say, fifty or so.

6) Do you have a day job? If so, what is it?


By day I’m a mild-mannered reported for the Daily Planet; by night I fight crime and grind on the pole at the Randy Moose Gentleman’s Club under the name Molli Mounds.

7) Other than the paranormal what are your interests?

I like to knit kittens out of dryer lint. Then I set them on fire. It amuses me.

8)Do you believe in God? If so, what is your notion of him/her/it/them?

I have God stored in a feezer in my basement. At least,  I think it’s God.

9) What was the last thing that made you laugh hysterically?

My bank statement. It was followed by the hysterical weeping and the binge drinking. Then came the drunken weeping. I don’t remember what happened next, I think I blacked out.

10) What do you hope to get out of that experience?

Well, I’m not sure what I had hoped to get out of it, but what I did get was a thumping hangover and a restraining order from Cici’s Pizza. “All-you-can-eat” my freckled ass.

11) Are you going to be in the experiment?

That depends – will there be any experimental drugs? I’m getting tired of breaking into the janitor’s closet to drink cleaning chemicals.

12) Ever appear in a documentary of television/film before? If so, what was it?

I was on the third season of  Cops, you can see me threatening a man with a baseball bat in the eighth episode. I’m the one in the blue leopard-print tube top who gets her weave stolen.

13) Who is your favorite film actor/writer/director?

Oh, I don’t think you’ve heard of them. He is  so obscure he has  never even directed, written, or starred in a film before. He does make nice sandwiches though.

14) Favorite genre?

SpongeBob SquarePants-themed hentai.

15) What do you love?

I love everyone and everything. I am fucking Jesus.

16) What drives you crazy/pet peeves?

So very many things. Like the air. Fucking air, always pressing against me, invading my lungs. Fucking air, man. What a prick.

17) Any odd traits or not so secret quirks?

*See Chapters 3-28 , Psychopathia Sexualis.

18) Name three hobbies you have now, or have had in the past?

Overthrowing governments for shits and giggles.

Braiding my back hair.

Collecting shiny things.

19) Any special talents?

I can summon the dread Demon Bonandoniae, He Who Brings Pestilence and Festive Marshmallows.

20) Where do you see your life taking you in the next 5 years?

A hot tub filled with Godiva chocolate and moderately priced Thai lady-boys in a place I call Ghostopia.

21) What is your favorite phrase or term?

“We find the defendant not guilty.”

22) Do you have a motto? If so, what is it?

“Never eat anything bigger than your head.”


23) What are 5 single words you would use to describe yourself?

Daunting

Purple

Fecund

Butterscotch

Swirling

24) Are you married/dating/single? (elaborate based on response)

Are you looking to join the stable? I’m accepting applications ’round front.

25) What is your living situation?

I’m a zomb…

26) What do you think of the President?

I think he looks like a California Raisin.

27) Do you identify with a political party/social movement/cause or set of ideals? If so, what and why? And for how long?

I like the Communists, mostly because the Smurfs are Communists. I’m always up for a party, as long as I get to be on bottom. For as long as it takes.