Tag Archive: questions



I was perusing the Gun Permit Application for my county (’cause that’s how I roll) and it occurred to me that just checking “Yes” or “No” is kinda dull. Here’s how I would answer the questions (if I were truly crazy and wanted the sheriff to haul my freckled ass to the loony bin, that is)

As always, the original questions are in boldface type and I have preserved all grammar errors found in the original.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony in any state or federal court?

Let’s just say I’m no longer welcomed in Idaho.

Have you ever been adjudicated as incompetent or committed to any mental institution?

Why, what have you heard? I swear, the rabbit is lying! I wasn’t any where near Farmer Brown’s place at the time and besides, I’m allergic to chrysanthemums!

Are you currently under indictment for any felony?

Not on Earth.

Are you a user of, or addicted to marijuana, depressants, stimulants, narcotic drugs, or any other controlled substance?

I am currently high on life.

And Kool-Aid.

Made with moonshine and liquid cocaine.

 Are you an illegal alien?

Are my antennae showing again? Dammit, I thought this wig was supposed to be full coverage!

Have you been discharged from the military with other than honorable conditions?

If the military regime I created no longer exists, would I be considered discharged?

Are you a US citizen? (If not, name country of citizenship.)

I’m one of those, what do you call them? Canadarians? Crustashians? Canalians? Those guys. That’s me. I swear.

Have you renounced your US citizenship?

We only dated for a little while, so I’d like to think we’re still friends.

Are you subject to a court order that was issued after a hearing in which you have recieved notice and have had an opportunity to participate, not to possess a firearm?

My lawyer advised me not to speak of it.

Are you subject to a court order, by any court, from harassing, stalking, or threatening an intimate partner or child of an intimate partner, or engaged in other conduct that would place an intimate partner in reasonable fear of bodily injury to the child or the partner and which finds that you represent a credible threat to the physical safety of the intimate partner or child that would reasonably be expected to cause bodily injury?

I’m under sanctions by the Boy Scouts Honor Court, but I was framed. Those balloons filled with toothpaste and mace could have come from anywhere.

Have you been convicted of a domestic violence offense?

So far I have managed to keep my offensive violence strictly foreign.

Things I wish people wouldn’t say


In my continuing effort to “help” people while do as little actual work as possible, today I’m going to list a few things I wish people wouldn’t say to me and give the reasons why I wish people would stop saying these things to me. Onward to adventure!

1.) “Does this look infected to you?”

 

I am not a doctor.

Your friends, unless they are actually doctors, are not doctors.

 I work in an office;  If you would like me to tell you if something looks collated, I could do that for you because I’m all about that shit.

While I care as deeply as I can about your physical well-being, do not shove your pus-dripping body parts in my face –  I can’t help you with that and will probably scream like a small child and faint.

2.) “Does this taste/smell bad to you?”

 

Did it taste or smell bad to you?

 Did the thick, fetid reek make tears come to your eyes and vomit into your throat? 

Then it probably does to me as well. Don’t feel that you need to share that special experience with me.

3.) “Can I ask you something?”

 

You.

 Just.

 DID.

4.)  “I have so many problems!”

 

Do me a favor – before you corner someone and start listing the many many things that are so very wrong with you, stop at take a good look at the person in front of you.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

That’s a live human being (at least, I sincerely hope it is) and it may come as a surprise to you to find out that live human beings have problems. Every single one of them.  Dead human beings have a different set of problems, but we won’t go into that today.

5.) “You working hard or hardly working? Ha ha ha!” (Laughter is mandatory)

 

Please stop this. It’s not funny and any laughter you get is polite pity-laughter, the same thing you would receive if you bashed yourself on the thumb with a hammer. 

 Every time I hear these words strung together in this way I die a little on the inside.

List O’ Mystery


My love for YSaC is boundless and today’s ad is especially grand. I have decided to answer the questions for today’s post.You can see the original here, The original questions are in boldface.
1) What is the strangest paranormal experience you have encountered?

I have a haunted closet, it’s where I keep my spirits. And by “spirits”, I mean “booze”.
 

2) Why do you think people have premonitions?

They forget to rub strawberry cake frosting into their scalps before they  put on their protective tin foil beanies.

3) If you could go back in time, only once and never return to today, when and where would you go. Would you just standby and watch or try to deliberately alter the past? What would you alter?

I would go back to yesterday and take a really good nap. Maybe make some chili. I could really go for some chili right now and it’s always better the second day.
 

4) When did you realize you had a special gift and how did you, and others react to it?

Like a snowflake I was born special, with the certain knowledge of my specialness. This is why so many babysitters tried to set me on fire – they feared my awesome specialness.

5) How many hours a week do you spend at your craft?

It takes a while to sharpen your toothbrush into a servicable shank, so I’d say, fifty or so.

6) Do you have a day job? If so, what is it?


By day I’m a mild-mannered reported for the Daily Planet; by night I fight crime and grind on the pole at the Randy Moose Gentleman’s Club under the name Molli Mounds.

7) Other than the paranormal what are your interests?

I like to knit kittens out of dryer lint. Then I set them on fire. It amuses me.

8)Do you believe in God? If so, what is your notion of him/her/it/them?

I have God stored in a feezer in my basement. At least,  I think it’s God.

9) What was the last thing that made you laugh hysterically?

My bank statement. It was followed by the hysterical weeping and the binge drinking. Then came the drunken weeping. I don’t remember what happened next, I think I blacked out.

10) What do you hope to get out of that experience?

Well, I’m not sure what I had hoped to get out of it, but what I did get was a thumping hangover and a restraining order from Cici’s Pizza. “All-you-can-eat” my freckled ass.

11) Are you going to be in the experiment?

That depends – will there be any experimental drugs? I’m getting tired of breaking into the janitor’s closet to drink cleaning chemicals.

12) Ever appear in a documentary of television/film before? If so, what was it?

I was on the third season of  Cops, you can see me threatening a man with a baseball bat in the eighth episode. I’m the one in the blue leopard-print tube top who gets her weave stolen.

13) Who is your favorite film actor/writer/director?

Oh, I don’t think you’ve heard of them. He is  so obscure he has  never even directed, written, or starred in a film before. He does make nice sandwiches though.

14) Favorite genre?

SpongeBob SquarePants-themed hentai.

15) What do you love?

I love everyone and everything. I am fucking Jesus.

16) What drives you crazy/pet peeves?

So very many things. Like the air. Fucking air, always pressing against me, invading my lungs. Fucking air, man. What a prick.

17) Any odd traits or not so secret quirks?

*See Chapters 3-28 , Psychopathia Sexualis.

18) Name three hobbies you have now, or have had in the past?

Overthrowing governments for shits and giggles.

Braiding my back hair.

Collecting shiny things.

19) Any special talents?

I can summon the dread Demon Bonandoniae, He Who Brings Pestilence and Festive Marshmallows.

20) Where do you see your life taking you in the next 5 years?

A hot tub filled with Godiva chocolate and moderately priced Thai lady-boys in a place I call Ghostopia.

21) What is your favorite phrase or term?

“We find the defendant not guilty.”

22) Do you have a motto? If so, what is it?

“Never eat anything bigger than your head.”


23) What are 5 single words you would use to describe yourself?

Daunting

Purple

Fecund

Butterscotch

Swirling

24) Are you married/dating/single? (elaborate based on response)

Are you looking to join the stable? I’m accepting applications ’round front.

25) What is your living situation?

I’m a zomb…

26) What do you think of the President?

I think he looks like a California Raisin.

27) Do you identify with a political party/social movement/cause or set of ideals? If so, what and why? And for how long?

I like the Communists, mostly because the Smurfs are Communists. I’m always up for a party, as long as I get to be on bottom. For as long as it takes.