Tag Archive: rubber band


Fortified


We had a delivery of boxes come in to work today.

This in itself is nothing new, we get deliveries all the time. It’s just another part of my day. But these boxes were different; they were big, our semi-regular shippment of paper towels.  There’s room enough in these boxes for a person to fit, more than one if they’re really well acquainted. We don’t usually get boxes that big, and it got me thinking. (That’s always a good sign.)

I was sitting in my chair, the boxes slightly behind me so that I could just barely see them from the corner of my eye unless I turned my head. It occurred to me that there were more than enough boxes to make a really great fort.

I haven’t made a fort in ages, not since I was a little kid.

 We didn’t use boxes, we had a couple of old quilts that we would stretch over a couple of chairs. Or dining room chairs were perfect for fort-making, they had a little knob at the top on either side that you could use to anchor the quilt. Stretch the quilt over the knob and then slip a rubber band over it, forming a little cloth nipple at each corner of the fort. The rubber bands from broccoli bunches worked best because they were small and fat and were less likely to break than the skinny ones, but it was sometimes hard for little hands to get them over those knobs. Turning the chair bottom inward gave you less space, but you had a clever little “shelf” to put toys on. Sometimes my sister and I would use all four of the chairs and would make two “houses” to play in.

When we got a little older the parents let us pitch their old tent (And by “old” I mean “It was harvest gold.”) in the backyard and let us camp outside. Sure it was hot and humid and the ground was hard and uncomfortable, but it was an adventure. I was always sad when Dad made us pack up the tent so we wouldn’t kill the grass underneath it.

The chairs we have now don’t have the little knobs on the tops, I wish they did. I’d love to see if I can still make a fort the way I used to. I even know where I can find some of those fat little rubber bands.


Power bands.

The freaking things are everywhere.

Famous athletes, those who wish to be famous athletes, those who watched a famous athlete on TV once; it seems like a lot of people are wearing the things.

But they don’t work. AT ALL.

Because it’s a shiny sticker and a rubber band. You cannot affect someone’s athletic performance with a shiny sticker and a rubber band unless you duck-tape them over the athlete’s eyes, and even then you are negatively affecting it instead of positively affecting it.

According to the True Believers, this magic sticker somehow affects your body’s something-or-other field, and gives you greater endurance and stamina and you can shoot lasers out of your eyes and shit bricks of  platinum. I don’t know, I tend to stop listening to bullshit after a while.

While it’s well documented that the magic stickers are worthless (Unless you are buying them from the Power Balance folks, who charge $100 for ten of the little moneymakers. Whores don’t have that kind of profit margin) in the interest of  furthering pseudoscience and not having to come up with another blog topic, I have decided to have my own little test. Since I’m not going to waste $30 of  my  brandy-money on silicone and shiny stickers, I came up with an alternative;

A gum wrapper and a rubber band. I am a genius.

Uncanny, isnt it?

The band in use. It looks just like the original.

Hour 1 – I feel normal, no sign of wing-budding yet but I am optimistic.

Hour 2 – Some tingling in the extremities, a feeling of profound cold over the rest of my body. I decide to get out of the freezer and see if I can remember where I put my clothes.

Hours 3 – 5 – I am one with the universe. I can feel the heartbeat of every blade of grass and see the colors of the moonlight. I will frolic with the children of the west wind and they shall fear me.

Hours 6-10 – Dammit, they are on to me! It was that rat-bastard Pedro, he sold  me out to the Walrus King. I told the apple, you can never trust a kumquat! I find that little raisin and he’ll be prune juice. Pickled kumquat spinach juice! Hey, you ever notice how weird a word looks when you write it over and over again?  Like apple. Apple. Aye pee pee ell eee. Apple. it’s just odd, that’s all.

Hours 11-20 – APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE  APPLE

Hours 21-24 – I am the very model of a modern major mineral, not vegetarian organ-grinder something something, something-something  … PICKLES! Beep the pickles, but slowly. Slowly! :MANICAL LAUGHTER:

:24 hours later:

Ah-hem.

That was probably a bad idea.

To whomever owned the lavender Audi, I’m sorry about the thing with the pickle relish and the fire extinguisher.