Tag Archive: Star Trek

So I’m winding down my critique of ITS MY LIFE and have started searching for the next pile of craptastically bad fanfiction to rip into tiny pieces. I’ve been browsing through the FanFiction.net listings to see if anything catches my eye and so far I’ve found quite a bit of bad (really bad) fanfiction, I’m still looking for something appropriately terrible. I’ve got a few chapters to go, so there’s not a real rush yet.

I have discovered that some of the strangest, most bizarre stuff can be found in the Crossovers sections.

What is a crossover – or as it is often spelled, “x-over” – you might ask?

A crossover is when you take characters from one source material and cram them together with a different source material. Like taking a square peg and trying to force it into a round hole. Just as the process of fitting a square peg into a round opening  is not often successful, crossovers tend to be mashed-up messes of hysterical failure.

Crossovers are the red-headed stepchildren of fanfics, viewed as only slightly better than realfics. (Fanfics featuring actual historical figures, living or dead. Realfics are almost universally despised, except by the small group of authors who write them.)

The pairings are often … unique. Much in the same way a flaming porcupine tossed in your face is a “unique” experience.

Want to read about Smurfs and Left 4 Dead-style zombies? There’s a fic for that.

Want to read  a My Little Pony version of the Christmas Story? There’s a fic for that. (My fellow Library of the Damned snarker Lara has already claimed that one for snarkbait.)

Want to find out what would happen if the Millennium Falcon crashed in the Beaver’s neighborhood? There’s a fic for that.

Just like with regular fanfics, the source materials with the largest fanbases (Doctor Who, Star Wars, Twilight, Star Trek, Harry Potter, etc…) tend to have the most fics. (There are hundreds of Harry Potter/Twilight crossovers that would make both fanbases froth at the mouth.)

In crossovers where the two source material worlds are vastly different (Harry Potter and Star Wars, for example) the author will often do one of the following;

  1.  Insert the crossover character into the story with a modified backstory that resembles the source material’s canon version, or
  2. Remove the characters from one source material and replace them with characters from another, or
  3.   Use magic and/or improbable science to explain away the crossover character’s presence, or
  4. Ignore the canon inconsistencies and just stick the crossover character into the other world with no explanation, or
  5. Create an alternate universe (AU) with the desired characters from the different source materials in a setting different from any found in the source materials. High school AUs are very popular.

While some (most) regular fanfics border on the incomprehensible, crossover fics are their own special brand of crazy. Where else could you read a story about Bella Swan from the Twilight books becoming pregnant with Optimus Prime’s baby?

Oh, how I wish I were making that up.

There are some decent crossovers, I’ve found the best ones are the ones where the different source materials compliment each other and the author has made some attempt to reconcile the different source materials. Like Batman and The Nightmare Before Christmas –  both are fairly dark and have a similar Gothic feel.

My all time favorite is a Shaun of the Dead and Doctor Who crossover I found, if for no other reason than because The Doctor beheads a zombie with a working lightsaber and that is just made of awesome.


Don’t Call Me A Muggle

Tomorrow the last Harry Potter movie hits the theaters.

I shall pause to give the fans out there time to put on their pointy hats and fancy capes.

:plays Angry Birds, curses at little green piggies:

Everyone sufficiently attired now? Good. Hey, no poking each other with your authentically licensed replica wands!

One of the tellers I work with is a big fan of the whole Harry Potter business; she’s not just a fan, she’s a FAN. She has had her tickets to the midnight showing tonight/tomorrow morning for months. She has also taken Friday off and has tickets for several showings on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I think all told she is going to see the same movie about a dozen times over the course of three days. She will also be dressing up to attend the midnight showing with several of her friends, who are also FANS.

That kind of behavior is on the shady side of crazy.

Before I get several poorly-written comments threatening to cast one of the three Unforgivable Curses on me, let me say that I am a fan as well. I’ve read all the books multiple times and I’ve seen most of the movies. I’m familiar with the unique world my coirker seems to find so entrancing.

I’m just not that big of a fan. Not by several orders of magnitude.

I waited eagerly for the release of each new book, but I never spent the night at a bookstore, dressed as a fictional character, just so I could buy a book. I have books – lots of them. I can wait a day or two to buy another.

When I received my new Harry Potter book, I would read it all in one sitting, but that’s nothing new. I often read books all the way through at once; I read very fast.  Deathly Hallows has 759 pages and it took me about six and a half hours of steady reading to get through it.

While I do applaud the series, it is quite imaginative and has managed to get children interested in reading instead of relying on purely electronic entertainment, I do not see what sparks that kind of devotion.

They are only books. I’ve read thousands; some better, some worse.

They are only movies. I’ve seen hundreds; some better, some much, much worse.

The devotion of the Harry Potter fans baffles me, much in the same way Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans puzzle me. I like a lot of things, but not to that extent.

The thing with my finger

My right index fingertip is leathery and a bit numb today; the reason for this is a no doubt boring tale I shall share with you anyway.

‘Cause I’m a giver.

Monday night I was fiddling with a hangnail on said right index  fingertip and it was sore. In a misguided effort to stave off any infection my minstrations may have caused, I soaked a cotton pad in a mixture of  alcohol and peroxide and used a strip of  electrical tape to hold it on my finger.

 In hindsight, this was a poorly thought out choice of action, but in my own defense I’m kinda stupid sometimes. 

 Moving on. I had planned to remove the tape and pad before going to bed, but I fell asleep. This was the second, and somewhat more severely stupid, choice I regret making, even if it wasn’t my consious brain that did the deciding but my … what ever brain-bit does the falling asleep thing. I don’t know – Dammit, Jim;  I’m a receptionist, not a neurologist.

Anyhoo, I woke up with my fingertip on fire. It was tingling and felt really odd. I got the makeshift bandage off and nearly screamed. I had a corpse-finger. It was dead white and wrinkled to the point that it was almost smooth again, just a few deep, really deep, creases tracking across the surface to show that all was not well in Fingerburg. It was incredibly sensitive to everything –  water, heat, cold, touch. I can’t imagine how my poor little nerve ending have been doing.

 It took most of the day for the unnatural paleness to fade and it’s still a little wrinkled today but the skin has gone all leathery (as I mentioned up there somewhere) and feels strange. As superpowers obtained through careless accidents, this rates right up there with super-flatulence gained from eating irradiated beans.