Tag Archive: Twilight


Forbidden Fruit Pt 8


Chapter 8 – the Kidnap

WOO-HOO! It’s the last chapter!

:does happy dance:

But I still have to read it.

Ugh.

I am going to try my damnedest to make some sort of sense out of this steaming pile but, like building a full-size replica of the Titanic out of Doritos and dryer lint, it might prove to be very difficult.

Here we go!

Alabama is still in the locker room, partially nude and crying, looking very exotic and gorgeous (even thought she doesn’t care about that sort of thing at all) with her hair falling over her face in “a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple” as she cries “a tepid summer rain of misery and woe” because Ewdard has left her alone. She is also very mad at him, since he went after Bella (to prevent her from killing herself) after he had called her a mean cow and vowing to never leave Tachymeter’s side. Deciding to skip the rest of school and go home, she then sits on her bed (wearing a black corset and leather panties) and smokes “some drugs” while she cries some more.

I hope this girl remembers to drink plenty of liquids, anyone who cries as much as she does must have some serious dehydration issues.

Clueless Foster Father Dave enters her room and “makes a big smiley face”, possibly out of macaroni and glitter glue. (This would be the same “very sad” man whose brother was found a few hours before in the forest with his head torn off like he was a chocolate Easter bunny.) He happily asks her how school was without noticing that she is smoking dope.

he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick

Okay, just how stupid is this man? Not noticing that his brother is constantly raping and beating up his foster daughter is somewhat believable, you sadly hear about that sort of thing in the news, but she is sitting right in front of him with a LIT JOINT in her hand, making no effort to hide it or get rid of the smoke it is producing. Dressed as a dominatrix. Even the most clueless man knows that you don’t smoke lip gloss, and a sixteen-year-old smoking anything anywhere should raise a few alarm bells in even the most clueless of parents.

She screams at him that her life sucks and she wants to die (while her eyes “glitered with beauty”), but Foster Father of the Year just laughs it off as “u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!” This enrages Tickertape (just like everything else  in the world) and she tells Dave that he’s a nice guy but also a dumb asshole. She tops this off by tossing her ashtray at his head.

Without touching it.

Because she can now move things with her mind (what mind?) when she’s angry. (All the damn time)

His response to an ashtray (no doubt filled with “Chapstick” ashes) being telekinetically flung at his head is to agree with her;

“haha, i guess your right” he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin)

(Your definition of “spoiled” differs vastly from mine, little girl.) and tell Tarzan that he is glad she is in his home. Oh, and by the way –  she looks even prettier that ever! And her breasts totally look like they are getting even bigger!

Her reply, after jumping down the throat of anyone who has dared to give her the slightest complement?

“yeh i no they are like an E cup now”

This is not a healthy family dynamic.

He pats her on the head (Seriously?) and leaves. Fed up with being treated like a child, she gets off the bed and puts on a long black dress (over the corset and leather panties) and takes “some pills (of drugs)” (rather than, say, the pills from a sweater – which she doesn’t own) before heading to a local goth nightclub called “Pablo NIghtmare” where all the cool people in Forks hang out. (“bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL!”)

On the way to the club she meets Snoofles, the talking panda that only she can understand, and he comes to the club with her. (Because all nightclubs are panda-accessible now.) They get some drinks and start dancing to the heavy metal music (pandas are excellent dancers) while people stare at them. They stare at them partly because she is “so diffrerent looking” and partly because Snoofles is a dancing panda. (I’m also picturing him drinking a bamboo martini.) Typhoon doesn’t care how many people are staring, because she is “SO drunk” and because she has taken so many drugs that her head “was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.”( I don’t see how that would be any different from any other time, but let us soldier on.)

For a delightful change, Ewdard doesn’t appear out of nowhere, but another Cullen does show up. (I assume suddenly and from behind.)

“hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school” said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. he was tall. he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN – haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!)

(AN is shorthand for Author’s Note; it is considered very bad form to stick one in the middle of a story, but that’s the least of the travesties this author is guilty of.)

Tennessee gives an offhand “hey whatever” and asks Jasper where his girlfriend Alice is. (Because even though she has never met this person before, she knows everything about him and who he is dating.) He looks “soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.” Strangely concerned about someone who isn’t her (it must be the drugs) she asks Jasper what is wrong. He tells her that he doesn’t love Alice like she loves him, because he is gay and “thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!” She tells him that being gay is “proper normal” and that “Snoofles is gay and everything”. (Snoofles waves at him when she tells Jasper this and Jasper waves back at the panda) This revelation (from a total stranger he meets at a nightclub) makes Jasper secure enough with his homosexuality that he picks up a guy named Vince. Jasper also shares his drugs with everybody. (Vampires are the dope fiends of the paranormal world, despite consuming absolutely nothing but blood.)

The four drunks pile into Snoofles’ car (Yes, the panda has his own car) with Arabesque driving while the three male characters are in the backseat having sex. She is drunk but it’s okay for her to drive because her reflexes are better than a human’s. (That’s what every drunk driver thinks.)

Suddenly (Ugh.) someone jumps in front of the car and she has to stop. It is a;

“man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness.”

(I think the author is trying to say that his hair is black.)

Even though he’s good looking, he looks angry so she decides to get out her samurai sword (all sixteen year old girls carry samurai swords with them at all times. Kinda like having very pointy pepper spray.) but someone comes up (You guess it – suddenly and from behind her) and takes it away from her;

there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice, i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other – it was so cute but now was SO not the time! The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.

I would like to be rendered unconscious right now so I do not have to picture that.

Absentia “awokens” in a small dark room, stripped down to her underwear (the black corset and leather panties from earlier) and chained to a chair with Mr. Tall Mussel Man in front of her.  She calls him a “WANKY PERV” and wants to know who he is. (She actually “shoyted” it at him.) He responds in a perfectly normal manner – by yelling “I AM JACOB … THE WEREWOLF KING!”  while his eyes roll around his face. (He should see a doctor about that.)

Now, there has been absolutely no mention of Jacob or werewolves in general until this point. Terracotta has so far accepted the existence of vampires, her erratic visions of Daddy Glowworm, a gay talking panda, and the Bag ‘O Miscellaneous Half-Assed Powers she has so far displayed with complete indifference and her patented blend of bitchy whining and complaining sprinkled with self-compliments. The simple shouted introduction of Jacob The Werewolf King makes her give an epic “NOOOO!” and try to “broke” herself free of her chains. Sadly she cannot; even though she possesses the ability to accidentally melt a girl and smite her with lightning, some simple chains defeat her. Instead she stares into his “wagging face”and asks him what he wants. (She also responds with the standard hysterical weeping.) His response deserves to be reproduced in its full glory.

“YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!” he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. “YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!”

Take a moment to shout “HALF-BREAD!” out loud. It’s fun!

So His Majesty has a problem with Twinkie; she’s the product of a union between a vampire and a “whitch”, who incidentally also broke Bella’s heart. (Because Angleiron was the Man-Carrot who was dating Bella and dumped her for the new girl with even bigger emotional problems. Oh, wait … No, she wasn’t. She was the one half-heartedly protesting the advances of the Lavender Man-Fruit who was dating Bella, while taking turns tearing her clothing off and begging him for sex.) It is uncertain how the bakery-themed insults figure into Anaconda’s parentage.

With all this screaming (complete with thick and foamy saliva) something manages to capture the frail butterfly that is Arable’s attention. (Actually it “caugt” her “atention”)

“What do u mean my mom was a whitch?” I said.

“MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!”

His Majesty only has one volume, AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE. He also seems to know an awful lot about this random girl he kidnapped off the street. How would he even know that the girl who “broke Bella’s heart” , someone that he has never seen before, would be driving that particular car down that particular street? (a car that doesn’t belong to her, but to a homosexual panda who is still fornicating in the back seat somewhere with a gay vampire and some guy named Vince.)

Suddenly (:sigh:) everything makes sense to Tropicana, but she is so shocked by whatever realization she has that she faints.

When she comes to, His Majesty is naked and seems intent on introducing Aggravation to his little prince.

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom. he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me! but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

(Who could that possibly be, I wonder to myself without caring in the slightest.)

IT WAS EWDARD!

That’s how it ends, with those three words. Terrycloth is still chained to a chair (in her corset and leather panties; the author has obviously never spent a lot of time in leather clothing. If I wear my leather work gloves for more than an hour I get a terrible case of swamp-hand. I can’t imagine what a night of binge-drinking and goth-dancing has done to this girl’s netherbits.) with a naked Werewolf King rubbing his chew toy on her leg while Ewdard stands in the doorway. The story hasn’t been updated since February of ’09, so it is unlikely that any of this travesty will ever be resolved in any meaningful manner. I would like to think that a pack of feral Twitards located the author and destroyed every computer she would ever be able to access, for the sole purpose of preventing her from finishing this story.

There are several ways you could end this brain-melter;

  • A nuclear bomb could accidentally fall on the town, saving it from an eternity of Twilight knock-offs.
  • Areonautica develops the ability to change the metal chains into fishnets so she at least has something else to wear besides leather panties.
  • The mystery car containing the talking panda and his two boy-toys with amazing stamina rolls down the hill that suddenly springs up and crushes the one room shack and Jacob, Terrapin, and Ewdard into a fine paste, thus solving forever the Team Jacob – Team Edward dilemma.
  • A school of air-breathing piranhas appear, suddenly and from behind, and consume everyone in town.
  • Aliens arrive and vaporize every single one of these horrible people, sparing the rest of humanity from having to deal with their petty and confusing bullshit.
  • Tourmaline becomes a crime scene technician who uses her awesome vampire powers to solve crimes, with the help of a wise-cracking ferret who deals meth on the side.
  • Ewdard decides that he doesn’t love Bella or Arabia and decides to run away with Jacob and open a tanning salon. (After a quick orgy in the back seat of a car with a talking caribou named Princess Igor.)
  • Teratogenic opens the world’s strangest grocery store; stocking it solely with lavender man-fruits, man-carrots, “horible” wet mushrooms, and greasy frog things. She does excellent business among the single women (and certain men) of Forks.

If you have any ideas on how this Cleveland Steamer should end, I would love to read them.

I have finally reached the end of this excretable …thing. I have learned many things, sad and strange things, and it will take a while for me to drink the memory of them away. I’d better go get started.

Forbidden Fruit Pt 7


Chapter 7 – Surprises!

Okay, so you know how I’ve said that this story gets progressively worse? This chapter marks the point where the author gives up any semblance of caring and just starts making random shit up. Enjoy!

Antimony wakes up “sheepishly” at home the morning after her romp in the woods with Ewdard, where you will remember that  she became a vampire and popped Uncle Larry’s head off like a toddler with her sister’s  Barbie doll. At first she thinks the entire episode is a dream (I wish) and heads downstairs for breakfast, where her foster parents smile at her adoringly. Her foster mother then tells Amazonia that she loves her new contacts and hair style and that, if possible, she looks even more beautiful than ever.

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before. My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac. I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed.

So after repeated claims of not caring about her appearance, all coupled with long rambling descriptions of her beauty, we get this steaming chunk of hypocrisy. I think I would prefer another poem to this nonsense. People do not look like this; anime characters look like this.  There has been no indication up to this point that Technicolor features like silver eyes and purple hair are normal for this particular universe.  And yet  The Most Oblivious Foster Parents In The World just tell her how much prettier she looks.

While Super-Sue admires her new beauty, even though she doesn’t care about that sort of thing, the phone rings. The foster father answers.

“what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!” and he hung up

“whats happened honey?” Marie asked smiling

“uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother”

Because well-written characters always state how they are feeling at any given moment.

 Anaphylaxis remembers that she opened Uncle Larry up like a champagne bottle, so she screams at the top of her well-endowed lungs and runs to school. (This is treated as perfectly normal behavior that doesn’t raise any suspicions in anyone.) As she runs through the woods, feeling guilty about killing the creepy uncle, even if he was a “perv” and a “rascist”, and “even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell” she still feels very guilty about what she has done. Just before she “explodes with guilt” (one could only hope) while running through the endless trees to get to school, a bear pops up from out of nowhere right in front of her, which is a nice change from everything happening suddenly and from behind.

It’s a panda bear. Wandering around the forests of Washington state.

I shit you not.

it was a bear – a big panda bear! it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

THIS is what you consider a “totally weird thing”? Of all the nonsensical things that have happened, this is where you decide to say “Woah. That’s odd.” (It’s too much to ask that she continues her trend of running constantly and actually run through the panda, thereby allowing me to make any number of “What’s black and white and red all over?” jokes.)

And it’s a talking panda bear  (Of course it is.) who greets her by name. How it knows her name is not explained, but it introduces itself as Snooflanti-tatuna, but prefers to be called Snoofles. Sounds reasonable, I guess. If a talking panda wanted me to call it High Lord Peaseblossom, I would do it. Then I would check myself into the hospital.

Tabbycat is understandably confused at this, but Snoofles explains that he can’t talk like a human, but she can understand him because she now has the ability to talk to animals. (Just like Dr. Dolittle.) She wonders aloud what else she can do, so Snoofles suggests she try touching a tree. The tree immediately bursts into a fountain of flowers, carpeting the forest floor with blossoms. They are so beautiful that Sacramento thinks of Ewdard, which also makes her angry. She touches another tree and it bursts into flames. She concludes from this that she has the ability to make things she touches “turn into things that somehow reflected how i was feeling.!” which does not bode well for Ewdard’s man-carrot given her demonstrably volatile temper.  She asks Snoofles if she can do anything else and he tells her he doesn’t know because he’s just a panda bear. It is unknown how he knew about the touchy-feely thing. He asks if she wants to be his human friend and she says sure, and then runs away (again) to go to school, leaving the tree still on fire.

Tucson arrives at school and walks around “almost in a trance”, but coherent enough to hear people complimenting her on her new and even more glorious appearance, even thought she could not care less. She runs around gym class in her gym clothes (which I’m sure are stifling after the doily-like leather-and-fishnet ensembles she normally wears) playing “dodgball”. The Chearleaders are throwing their balls at her really hard, but she is dodging them at the speed of light. Again, this unusual event is not remarked upon by anyone. Instead Laruen tries to “hit me over the face with her balls” (snerk) so Acrobatica slaps her in the face. Laruen calls her a “freaky goth tudor bitch”, her  “ugly face flapping like a big bag” as she screams at Azteca. Tornado tells her to leave her alone, “looking more beautiful that ever” (even thought she doesn’t care about that sort of thing at all) but Laruen says;

“no – ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!”

Aromatic gets so mad she pushes Laruen, and where she touches her the Chearleader’s skin begins to bubble and froth “in a totally gross way”. And then she is struck by lightning. (I guess because the flesh-melting thing wasn’t bad enough.) She doesn’t die but she is sent to the hospital (where I assume the doctors will arrange for an exorcism.) Class carries on as usual.

After a class where the flesh melts off of a student (who is also struck by lightning while inside a gym) Techno sits alone in the locker room, weeping in her “ very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it” because she is such a sad and tragic figure  and all sad and tragic figures spend a lot of time sitting around crying while wearing Halloween costumes. It’s about time Ewdard made an appearance, so he is suddenly behind her in the (girls’) locker room.

“Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!” said edward. i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.

So far this relationship has consisted of shouting at each other, molestation, and him running away from her screaming(occasionally while naked.) Now we can add “he faints at the sight of her and she is unconcerned” to the list.

He regains consciousness and tells her that he fainted because she was so very beautiful, (:gags:) but then notices she is crying tears of “soft blood” and asks her what is wrong. Angioedema tells him that she is upset because she murdered Uncle Creepy, plus she might have caused Laruen to be struck by lightning. (She does not mention the gross skin-melting thing so I guess she was okay with causing that.) He tells her it is fine; Uncle Creepy was evil and no one really like Laruen that much anyway. He tries to comfort her and she pushes him away, still angry that he ran away screaming after they “did sex” in the forest the night before. She once more tells him to choose between her and Bella.

“I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!”

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I’d never seen anybody look so perfect. I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

“Do you mean it edward? You’ll be mine forrever?”

“I does, i shall be thy mate” he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

She finds a pair of handcuffs on a bench, because every high school girls’ locker room has random handcuffs lying around, and somehow manages to tie him to a hook with them. (I guess this high school was once a meat packing plant and there are random hooks just sticking out of the walls and ceiling.)

he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.

That is possibly the least erotic thing I have ever read in my life. The instructions that came with my coffeemaker were more erotic than this tripe. If his “man-fruit thing” is lavender, you should not be thinking about putting it in your mouth. You should be thinking about getting some antibiotics ASAP.

As they are finishing up, a voice “sodenly” comes from behind them. This is about the hundredth time a voice has come suddenly from behind someone; everyone in this thing must move like a damned cat. And given the positions the two were in it would be physically impossible for one person to be behind both of them at the same time, unless there have been some drastic changes in human anatomy I am not aware of.

It is, of course, Bella. She calls them “EVIL RODENT PEOPLE”, tells them she hates them both and is going to go kill herself.

Thus ends Chapter 7. The next chapter is the last one and I’m sure it will be every bit as nonsensical as this one was. Sounds like “fun”!

Forbidden Fruit – Pt 6


I am determined to finish this thing! Only three more chapters  to go.

:grits teeth, girds loins:

Let’s do it!

Chapter 6 – the curse

Oh, wonderful… There’s  a poem about Ewdard.

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white

Your eyes like amber out of sight

Pale angel in my eyes

Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

Excuse me –

:leaves to be violently sick:

Okay-dokey, let’s get through this bucket of manure.

So we begin with a “poem” about Ewdard that Tangerine has written, she is reading it out loud and quietly (a neat trick if you can manage it) when she blacks out and goes into a trance at the same time. It’s Daddy Glowworm again, appearing in front of her “all ghosty and misty like he was only half there.” He moans a few times and then tells her he is her father, Caius of the Volturi, (Lord Vader he is not) and she must be cautious of the vampire boy Ewdard. She asks him why, rather than screaming in terror at the sight of the ghostly apparition like a normal kid would.

“you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you…you’ll become a VAMPIRE! And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them…” then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

Uncle Larry comes in, calls her a “moldy slut”, and tells her to take her clothes off. She refuses and so he hits her, takes off her clothes, and chains her to the bed with the chains he just happened to have with him. At that moment someone comes running into the room and bashes Uncle Larry over the head with a stick. It is, of course, Ewdard. (All vampires carry sticks around specifically to bash rapists over the head and intimidate woodland gnomes, didn’t you know that?)

“omg my sweet lady” he cried! “what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?”

(You’re not the sharpest thorn in the shrubbery, are you?  She’s chained naked to a bed; what do you think he was doing – playing Parcheesi with her?)

He unchains her and turns his back to her while she gets dressed so that he isn’t “perving” on her, during this he happens to read her poem and proclaims it to be the most beautiful and moving thing he has ever read and despairs that he cannot write equally moving poetry for her since he is promised to Bella.

Abercrombie asks him why he is promised to Bella, he says that she was once sweet and shy but has become much more bitchy lately, as have her friends, but he made a promise to her and he can’t break it because it would be “rude and ungentalmanly”, even if she is a bitch now.

They leave the house and walk around the woods, talking about “stuff”.  Tommiknockers suggests that Bella might be more of a bitch now because she doesn’t love Ewdard anymore and he should break up with her.( Quite the relationship expert, that girl.) he says that he can’t because Bella told him she would kill herself. He then punches a tree in frustration, since he loves Tigerlily now and not Bella, and it breaks in half. She asks if he loves her and notices that his man-carrot is fresh from the crisper.

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. We couldn’t controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

“I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!” he screamed “i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!” and he ran away.

He runs away a lot after seeing Arugula naked. Good thing her self esteem is already so low, that’s the sort of thing that could make a girl worry.

(I feel I should point out that they are still in the woods; he  punched a tree in half not two sentences before the happy-fun-naked-time started.)

She is laying there, in the dirt and leaves with bugs crawling who-knows-where, watching her new lover’s naked ass grow steadily smaller. And at that point she remembers what Daddy Glowworm told her about “making sex” with Ewdard. So she turns instantly into a vampire, her skin going all hard and shiny, her eyesight becoming clearer, and her hearing growing more acute. As the newly-turned vampire lays there naked in the dirt, Uncle Larry appears.

“There you are you horrid SLUG!” it was uncle larry “where have u been? I’m goin to rape u now!”

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was…dead!

Ooh, a cliff-hanger! Creepy Uncle Larry is dead and Ewdard has run away from Darvocet ,just like he has Every. Single. Time.   Except this time he’s naked.

The author’s sense of time seems to be badly skewered, every action is described as going on for hours at the time. The main character talks for hours, she is raped for hours, they make sex for hours, when does this girl have time to do all this crap?

Forbidden Fruit, Pt 5


Chapter 5 – The Talent Contest

Dear gods, why have you forsaken me? Is it too much to ask for a nice little aneurism so I don’t have to read the rest of this shit?

:sigh:

I guess I should get to the story, such as it is.

It’s a week after Abbycrabby tore her clothes off and begged Ewdard to “sex” with her and he ran off shrieking like he had just seen a really disgusting bug crawl over his foot.

The Chearleaders have been making fun of how skinny and large-breasted Abracadabra is, while Creepy Uncle Larry has somehow managed to “rapped [her] loads of times” even though the foster parents are now back from wherever it was they went. She ignores Ewdard, (actually she “anchored” him, but I’m assuming the author meant ignore. I would find it more interesting if Appledapple dropped heavy weights on Ewdard, but that’s just me) angry at him for being a cheating bastard who rejected her attempts to make him cheat on his girlfriend (and because he still makes her feel all tingly inside), and hangs out with the Smiling Goths, once again briefly mentioning suicidal thoughts in passing. (If only…)

It turns out there is a Talent Contest being held that night and the Smiling Goths are trying to get Apollodoria to enter, because she is a terrific singer who has the voice of an angel (Of course she does.) But she is far too modest (:snerk: ) to get up in front of everyone and sing, since she really doesn’t think she’s that good. (:double snerk: ) The Smiling Goths quickly assure her that she is and try to get her to sign up.

“I dunno maybe” I plimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.

(“Plimpled”? You plimpled mutely?!? “Mutely” means “silently”, you brain-dead moron! You can’t mutely say anything! And “plimpled” … Really? How …  What … I don’t even … GAAAHHH! :headdesk: )

The Smiling Goths and Amazarina go to the talent contest, where The Chearleaders preformed their little dance number, which “werent that awesome”, but since they were “wearing slutty cloths” and were popular, “no one was allowed to say they sucked.” (I now want to go to the fabric store and ask where they keep the slutty cloth. I bet all the fabric I have at home could use a little action.)

 Bella, the plant-armed brown hare girl, runs off of stage after the dance number and kisses Ewdard passionately;  he returns the kiss while staring intently at Abalone (This is somehow even creepier than the multiple rape references) and she feels the “flames of jelusy burning up inside me.” (I think they make a suppository for that now.)

The principal then “caked up on stage” (Yeah… I have no idea what that means.) and calls Tapioca’s name. She screams at the Smiling Goths for entering her, but goes up on stage anyway  and sings “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, but the “punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0”. It is to be presumed by the reader that this is an a cappella punk rock version, since no mention is made of any musicians or musical accompaniment. She is embarrassed at first, but since everyone is enjoying her lovely voice, she begins to sing louder and louder; since no microphone is mentioned this is probably so the people in the back rows can enjoy her gift of heavenly song. The author pauses in the middle to describe yet another bra-bearing outfit with fishnet accessories. I know there’s a lot of fishing in the Pacific Northwest, but damn.

At the end of the song, “everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my freinds” so I guess that will show them not to try to share her wonderous gifts with the world.

 Of course Tacoma wins the talent contest and goes back up on stage to “shock” the principal’s hand. Most of the students applaud; with the exception of The Chearleaders, who storm out like angry toddlers. While standing on stage, Anchovy notices that Ewdard has a massive erection and looks very “hawt and sexoy”.

As she is walking home, Ewdard pulls his car up beside her and offers her a ride. (And possibly some free candy.) He tells her she was stunning, with a voice “like silk and satin in the moonlight”, and that he had wanted to charge on to the stage and kiss her on the lips during her performance. She asks him where Bella is, and he tells her that she is pouting at home because she was not as good in the talent contest as the flawless Mary Sue.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road (suddenly) and touches her face. Naturally she slaps him as hard as she can and calls him a sicko. She continues to hit him while calling him names and telling him how embarrassed she was because she had begged him to “sex” with her and he had refused. (He had actually run away screaming, but “refused” sounds more dignified.)

  Taffyduck gives the standard “its me or her” ultimatum, but Ewdard can’t make the decision. He then suddenly wants to know about her family.

“first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!” he said “who were thy parents?what are thee?”

“my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it.” i said

“we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me”

-omfg i’m NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit”

“you don’t drink human blood”- he asked

She is understandably confused, as I have been at many points during this story, and repeats that she does not drink blood. She gets out of the car feeling insulted and runs away home, where she cuts herself and cries. She does not react in any way to Mr. Hawt Pale Sexoy Dude telling her he is a vampire and drinks blood.

I believe this chapter was the author’s attempt at building emotional tension, but it really doesn’t work. So what if Ewdard wants Tiburon, but is promised to Bella and Bella apparently despises Appledumpling, while Torquemada has a serious case of the hots for Ewdard and also hates Bella, who is not as hawt or as awesome as she is (even though she doesn’t care about that sort of thing.) That damned Mary Sue makes any attempt to set up some conflict impossible, since she is the bestest girl in the whole wide world and will of course win in the end and crush all her enemies into a fine slutty-clothed dust. Throwing in some random vampire stuff at the last minute just seems a bit desperate, and Mary Sue has absolutely no reaction to the guy she love-hates telling her that he’s a blood-sucking vampire. This thing is just keeps getting progressively weirder and weirder.

Forbidden Fruit, Pt 4


Chapter 4 – la Push

There is a brief Author’s Note at the top of Chapter 4 in which the author defends her brilliant and beautiful Mary Sue by stating that;

“btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.”

Uh-huh.

Sure.

I completely believe that this Mary Sue is in fact a well-rounded character just because of a laughable rape scene tacked on to the last chapter. I also believe there’s a tiny dragon named Rupert living in my Lava Lamp, but that could be the drain cleaner I’ve been smoking.

Now to the “story”.

Tetris has decided to go to the “beech” with Mike Noonan, even though she finds him  “borin” and the hideously ugly and petty “chearleaders” were going to be there, including Ewdard’s girlfriend, (the “brown hare girl”) who I am assuming is supposed to be Bella from the books. (I have a hard time believing this mean and spiteful person is the same flat, one-dimensional character from the books, but that is the least of this story’s problems.) Atlantis is still upset that she was “rapped” by Uncle Larry the night before and confused about her vision of the pale guy, whom I shall refer to as Daddy Glowworm, in the flash of light.

I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry

Why she decided a beach (or “beech”) party with people who loathe her with every fiber of their being would be just the thing to lift her spirits after a horrific driveway rape and possible psychotic episode is beyond me.

So Jessica screams at Amontillado and calls her a “stupid goth biatch” and a “RAT HOOKER”, even though Jessica was wearing “skimpy pink clothes” and is “technology a hot chick” herself when she isn’t screaming herself ugly. Mike defends Taiwan, saying it wasn’t the clothes but what’s inside that counts. This is despite the fact that all the girls in this story, and Terrapin especially, seem to be wearing the equivalent of gently wafting lace curtains at all times. I’m pretty sure traipsing around the Pacific Northwest in a goth-inspired dishcloth is a super-fun way to get hypothermia.

One of the girls, “laruen”, points at the enormous fun-bags dangling off Artdeco’s chest and laughs about how big and fake looking they are, comparing them to the breasts of a porn star. This causes everyone else to laugh at her and she runs off into the woods, presumably using her giant chest-cannons to knock down any small trees that get in her way.

“I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could’nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!”

Because people with image issues are constantly complaining about how thin and pretty and well-endowed they are.

While running through the woods, she meets three smiling goth girls; “tyffani, abigaille and rochelle”, which can’t be right since goth girls never smile. These girls are apparently also running through the woods, since they ask Tinkerbelle to be their friend and talk with her for hours (in unison) and no mention is made of her stopping her frenzied dash through the trees. It is revealed at this point that The Chearleaders hate the Smiling Goths because the Goths don’t care what The Chearleaders think about them. They assure Tammifaye that The Chearleaders are just jealous because she is so beautiful and just generally awesome, even though they have just met her. Happy to have found friends that like her for herself, they talk for hours (I assume about how cool they are and how terrible The Chearleaders are) before the Smiling Goths leave (I guess they got tired of running around and talking at the same time.) and Tamiflu stays on the “beech” because she does not want to return to her rapping uncle. (I assume she is running up and down the trunk of a very large beech tree, since she still has not made any kind of effort to stop running.)

“Soddenly” there is a voice behind her. (Nearly everyone enters a scene suddenly and from behind) It’s Mr. Hawt Pale Dude himself, Ewdard! He tells her she is causing quite a stir at school and she seems surprised by this. As if the fact that she is being hounded by every male and screeched at by every female in the place is some new morsel of information that she did not have before.

“basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?” he smiled and kissed my neck.

(Okay, how can you use the Shift key to type quotation marks, but can’t be arsed to use it to capitalize your damn sentences or the names of your characters!?!)

Trafalgar screams at Ewdard for being a cheating bastard, and then she goes out of her way to say how much she hates his current girlfriend. He tells her not to tell anyone about their make-out session in the “corridoor”; (well, he screams it in ALL CAPS actually) she storms off towards her home. He follows, grabs her and throws her to the “grind” and begins molesting her. She is still very angry but she wants him so “deafly” she doesn’t resist his advances. After some fumbling she tears her own clothes off (a nice change from having everyone else do it) and begs him to “sex” her.

He screams like a little girl and runs away. (That’s not generally a good reaction to get from someone who just had their hands in your undies.)

She gets dressed (in the clothes she has just torn off her own body), feeling ashamed because she had begged him to “do sex on” her and he had said no. (Or screamed NO! and then ran away as fast as he could.) Arabella goes back home and cooks dinner for Uncle Larry, who forces her to give him a blowjob while he eats, rapes her, and then beats her with a shoe all night long.

When he leaves her (it is presumably  morning and she is covered in heel impressions) she very briefly contemplates suicide, weeps, and falls into a dreamless sleep.

Ugh. This damned thing keeps getting worse and worse. I can feel my brain cells dying as I read it. There is just so much wrongness here.

Forbidden Fruit, Pt 3


Chapter 3 – uncle larry

Chapter 3 begins with a short Author’s Note, as most of the chapters do, mentioning reviews the author has received. (I’ve read through the reviews, they are a mix of genuine criticism, laughing mockery, and “Is this crap for real?”)  She calls one of her reviewers dumb because “of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz!” even though the story makes no mention of her getting dressed or doing anything between the time she leaves Ewdard whining on the floor and the moment she walks into class.

On to the Chapter!

Chapter one opens with Tippecanoe watching TV in her foster parents’ home, thinking about how pretty Ewdard is and also how much of a creep he is for groping her, since he has a girlfriend. (Even if she is just “a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt.”) But she just can’t stay mad at him. (He’s just too pretty.) She receives a phone call from “Mike Nooton” inviting her to “La Plush”. She asks him if he is the same Mike Noonan who hangs out with The Chearleaders’ gang, but he assures her that they are far more shallow and less hawt than she is. And they can be mean sometimes. She tells him she would not want to go with him since he hangs out with such people, plus she is messed up in the brain (or “bran”; perhaps all her problems can be traced to her irregularity) and he would not want to go out with her if he knew how messed up she was. He says that it doesn’t matter because she is so very beautiful, etc, ad nauseum, and she agrees to think about going if she has nothing else better to do.

Her foster parents suddenly leave, making sure to tell her how beautiful she is before they go, leaving her with creepy Uncle Larry.

“greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry” said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face

“Hey – i said

“your the orphan arent you” he says “is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?”

“Wat!” I cry, my eyes filling with tears

“your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car” he shouts angerly

She goes outside (in her hot pink minidress with the black lace ruffles around the bottom) and proceeds to wash Uncle Larry’s red “porche”; he comes outside, watches her briefly, pours the bucket of water over her, rips her clothing off of her, bends her over the “bonet” of the car, and then proceeds to spank her for half an hour before raping her.

Anyone who can write a rape scene that makes you want to both laugh and weep should be shot in the elbows and left to bleed to death.

Now, I have no problem with story elements like this if they are handled in the right way and are essential to the story or the character’s growth in some way. Suddenly introducing a creepy uncle at this point makes no sense. No mention has been made of the uncle before now, there has been barely any mention of the foster parents. It’s as if the author got tired of defending her character’s Mary Sueness and decided to add a little personal tragedy to make her more sympathetic. Add to that the fact that he tore her clothes off, spanked her for half an hour, and then proceeded to rape her in front of his brother’s house in the middle of some sort of suburb  (I’m just assuming, no effort has been made to describe any setting in this story so far. It could be a desolate farmhouse in the middle of Kansas) in broad daylight for “hours” … not only  is that unrealistic, (You can’t even give a fully-clothed child a gentle tap without reporters falling out of the woodwork crying abuse these days.) it is an insult to rape victims everywhere.  I’m sure the author meant for it to be a serious scene, but I just can’t take anything written like this seriously.

Uncle Larry finishes, spits in her face after throwing her facedown on the “grind”  and leaves her on the “floor” of the street. She runs into some woods (after dressing in her previously torn-to-shreds clothing) and has a vision of a bright light and a tall white man with black hair who calls her his daughter.

Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.

“atlantiana?” he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-

“omg” I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.

Something tells me this girl’s mind is usually blank.

If I can stomach it, I’ll tackle Chapter 4.

Forbidden Fruit, Pt 2


On to Chapter 2!

Chapter 2 –  Edward

Mylanta apologizes for yelling at Mr. Hawt Pale Dude, who introduces himself as “Ewdard Cullen”, and she finds him  attractive enough that she doesn’t want to pound him in the nuts with a ball peen hammer like every other male she has mentioned, so they make out  before she remembers he already has a girlfriend. She protests, so he rips her shirt off and they continue making out.

“He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs.”

I’ll give you a second to recover from “man-carrot.”

Mary Sue starts feeling bad that she is such a “biatch” and a slut, so she once more tries to end the make-out session. Ewdard protests, claiming he knows her dark and forbidden secret.

“”Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa”he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes “your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

“what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)

“thy a CAMPIRE tia! a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN’T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!””

The faux Olde English shows up whenever Ewdard speaks, he also tends to do a lot more screaming in ALL CAPS and whining then I remember from the books.

He punches the wall, she knees him in his “massive throbbing gigglestick”, he tears his shirt off, so that they are both now shirtless, and throws his shirt over her head. He manages to simultaneously pick her up off the floor and lay down on the floor, whining as she manages to watch him through the shirt she never removed. She leaves him there and goes to class, shirtless, wearing a guy’s shirt like a hat. Once she reaches class, she has a pain in her hand and the birthmark-scar glows. She falls down and a boy  tries to help her up. She reacts to this gesture of concern by kicking him in the shoulder and he gazes longingly after her. No mention is made of her being shirtless or wearing a shirt on her head. Tijuana wants to forgive Ewdard for calling her a vampire (or campire) and trying to plunder her “crevises” , but she can’t. I’m not really sure why she would want to, but I didn’t write this garbage.

Stay tuned for Chapter 3! Once I make a run to the liquor store.

Forbidden Fruit, Pt 1


I have mentioned fanfiction before, way back in the mists of time (about two months ago, I think) but today I would like to single out one particular story for ridicule.

Forbiden Fruit: the tempation of Edward Cullen

That’s not a typo, that’s the actual title of the “story”. It is, without a doubt, one of the worse pieces of literature I have ever read. It even has it’s own drinking game. In the continuing quest to provide quality reading material (or a reasonable facsimile) I am going to attempt to translate this tale from Asshatese into real words. I’m not going to translate word for word, because I value what’s left of my sanity, but just a brief synopsis.

Don’t tell me I don’t suffer for my blog.

Chapter 1 –  Atlantiana

Chapter 1 is preceded by a short Author’s Note, in which we are introduced to beckymac666, the “author” of this work, who claims to be young and dyslexic, neither one an excuse for the travesty that follows. She also gives a shout-out to her boyfriend Zac and her “besfreind” Tiffi, ending with the words “EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!)” There is a single-sentence update under the original Author’s Note;

“I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.”

Yeah … Good luck with that.

In Chapter 1 we are introduced to “Atlantiana Rebekah Loren” (“Or Tiana or Tiaa”, she can’t seem to make up her mind what the holy hell her name is, it changes constantly) The first few paragraphs ramble on about how beautiful and stunning and all around fabulous this girl is, while “complaining” about how skinny she is, how big her boom-booms are, and how terrible is that all the boys find her attractive, even thought she doesn’t care what she looks like. (Which she proves by constantly referring to how beautiful she is during the entire story.) Atlanta-Tropicana- Muffin-Brain is a textbook Mary Sue. She could not be any more of a Mary Sue unless her name was Mary Sue, but it would probably be something like “Merianitriaaliae Suziella, or Meri Su or Merriszie”, or some other nonsense.

Any-hoo, as the far-too-detailed personal information peters out, the “story” begins with our Mary Sue, who has just moved to Forks, WA to live with new foster parents and attend the local nameless high school. She is, predictably, dressed like a dollar store hooker in leather pants and red fishnet top with a visible black bra underneath, and complains about the “horny little donkeys” that are hassling her for her number (and one assumes her rates for a hum job behind the cafeteria dumpster, but that’s not mentioned.)

Having read a couple of chapters, every single one of this girl’s outfits seem to have come from Lady Gaga’s Junior Slutwear Collection.

After a single paragraph about school, mostly about how much she hates the “cheerleader imbosils”, we are suddenly treated to more personal information, this time in the form of tattoos (on a sixteen year old girl), ear piercings, and odd birthmark-scars. It is also inferred that she has a big dark secret, mostly because she says

“I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand.”

This secret mostly seems to be that she hears voices and sees faces in her sleep that she can’t when she’s awake, and occasionally thinks the birthmark-scar on her hand glows. (It could be that she’s a schizophrenic, or it could just be normal emo shit)

After a bit more about how awesome she is, Mary Sue goes to lunch, where she sees;

“an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him.”

Yeah, I’m all a-twitter.

Mr. Hawt Dude has a girlfriend, who sits with her arms “dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant” so  Mary Agatha- Terabithia decides he’s off-limits. Since she has done nothing but insult the boys who follow her around like puppies, you would not think this was very interesting. And it’s not. She decides to go off and “smoke some bald drugs in the locker room” (I guess she really doesn’t like her hair) and of course runs into Mr. Hawt Pale Dude as soon as she leaves the locker room.

“WTF!” I screamed loudly, “watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!” (i have anger problems)

“I’m so so sorry” he said in a voice like wet heaven “please forgive me my lady”

And that’s the end of chapter one, 90% of it is spent describing Mary Sue and about five percent is whining about the “biatchy” people around her. A touch of something that might eventually be a plot is stuffed in there as well.